1 Year Anniversary of My New-found Life and Transformation


This was me exactly one year ago. I was just in the life-changing decision to start doing something with myself.
I was dead tired of myself and my whining. Every single time I met with my friends it was the same story.

“I want to lose weight. I am really getting too big. I just cannot go on like this. I just have to lose weight.”

But this went on repeat. Over, over, over, and over again. I was so sick and tired of hearing it.
I was also so sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.
Because no matter how much I smiled, and how much I said I did not feel bad.
I. felt. Bad.
All. The. Time.
Something just had to change.

16 May 2020

What Made Me Change?

Not only did I feel bad all the time, but it also hurt constantly. If I sat, it hurt. If I stood up it hurt. If I walked it hurt. If I laid down it hurt. The photo above is from my first hike of 2020. I remember it so vividly, as I walked 20K steps and I was crying coming home. Everything hurt.

Not only that.
I knew that I was not well as my blood vitals did tell me that. Everything supposed to be high was low, and everything supposed to be low was high.

I would wake up with massive headaches and my uvula swollen and hurting, on an almost daily basis. I knew I was snoring, and I did fear that I was suffering from sleep apnea due to the really swollen face and aching throat.
It was more than just few nights when I was a bit scared of going to bed. What if the sheer weight on my chest would be too much and I would suffocate.

I would have a strange feeling in my head as if wind was blowing in it. Still to this day do I not know what that was. High blood pressure or something else. For sure something was off.
I would get winded really easily and I remember getting my step counter and really struggle to get 5000 steps in, as it was just too much for me.

Joints and ligaments were hurting. I was constantly tired. I was constantly hungry. I was scared of falling, I did not want to break anything.
It just had to stop.
One day I just had enough. I was 35 not 75.

July 2020- I had already started losing weight here

Transformation to a Healthier Life.

The start was really hard. I got a trainer 3 days a week that I paid a small fortune for. My best spent money ever. I was now accountable, not just to him – as at that stage I could not be accountable to myself. I did not know how- but also to my money.
A single mom in a raging pandemic, not knowing if she would have a job or not, paying for such nonsense. I just needed to not waste one single cent.
And that I did not. I kept that word to myself.

It is funny how I thought 10 sessions with this trainer would solve it all. Somehow I really did. Silly me!

II just saw it as a lack of regimen and that I needed to work out few times and life would magically transform itself to pink sky and rainbows.
After 2 months of this idea I started to realize that I was way wrong and it was more than just few sessions with a trainer that I needed.
Neither the dietist really did it for me. I knew what I needed to eat, that was not the issue. I just ate anyhow, regardless of the knowledge.
That is where the idea of a holistic viewpoint grew stronger and stronger.

My body and health is the product of all stress, anxiety, bad thought, old coping mechanisms, memories, traditions and habits. it was not just about getting on a diet and run 3 times a week. It was about honoring myself and creating a better life- in general and overall. A overhaul of my life and its inventory.


Test of My Transformation and Finding Support In Myself

I went to my GP 2 weeks or so ago. Probably more.
My vitals are back to normal, except one part of my cholesterol but it is so marginal that he said that it is deductible.
I am no longer deadly tired, at some few occasions have I woken up with my uvula swollen. My daughter tells me I do not snore any longer, at least not to the extent I used to.
I smell better, why I do not know. Maybe I am not leaking, from you know where, as I used to.
I have better skin, sleep better, eat better, and my mental health is totally 180. My work on all the mental parts has been huge. From eating few medications due to mental issues I take occasionally one medication.
It was 2 weeks ago I went for a hike and I did about 30K steps and I knew I could do some more.

I am not going to lie though, It has not been easy. It was not simple either. It was difficult and hard. It IS difficult and hard. There are still so many parts that are missing.
It has not been easy for my friends. The change I am doing, and everyone will not support.
Many times have I been tested in my conviction to my transformation. Tested to see if this is really what I wanted. Friends pushing to peer pressure to not do what I was on my path doing. I have slipped up. I have done things I really have not wanted. Just as “Old” Manka would do. Give up. Give everything to the instant gratification monkey. Not looking into the future. It is not their fault. It is normal but it would have been easy to just throw my hand up and give up but the positive feelings has so far been winning over old pathways and habits.
It has been sad to feel that I have not been supported but in that, I have reached out to others. I have reached out to myself and that push and accountability I so desperately needed to get from someone else- I gave myself.

I give myself!

2021 Hike

I have a long way still. There are more kinks and stuff I have to work on to get where I really want to go. I need to push myself again, a little bit more and not feel so comforted in this change. I need to continue doing more. I have stagnated some the last 3 months, as I feel it is pointless. Pandemic lockdown has not added positively to the motivation.
I still have things that block me and keep me away from reaching my full potential.
But this year has taught me that I can do it. I am doing it. I am full of accountability and I can do it without the external locus of control but my internal.
I am stronger inside myself than I thought. remembering that hike last year and this year they were just so different. And how this coming year is quite exciting!

Hill practice run! first of many to come!


Let Us Focus on NSV- Non Scale Victories

I am not going to lie. This morning when I did my weekly weigh-in I almost lost it. I had not lost anything. Nothing. Not a single gram. This is not the first time. I have had this 1 kilo up and down for 2 months now.
“But Manka, once you have lost, most of your weight. Weight loss slows down.”
I have not lost most of it yet. I have 20 kilos down so far, but even just to enter into non-overweight territory am I missing 10 kilos. So there are still quite some kilos to go.
Hence me almost breaking down in tears this morning. I feel I am doing so much, and no result is yielding. This is not starting to affect my well-being as I am really just thinking about this and nothing else. I need to change things up, so let’s focus on some NSV instead!

What is NSV?

NVS is an abbreviation for Non-Scale Victory. And it has been a term in the weight loss world for quite some time already. This is what we tell ourselves we should focus on, and not the scale, to see that health is not only what the scale says.

Nonscale victories, also known as NSVs, are health improvements that result from small life changes. They may go unnoticed if you’re only focused on the scale as a measure of your success. A bathroom scale shows a number — a snapshot of your weight at a given moment on a given day. – Healtline

I guess that it is correct to think like this. Health is so much more. I am able to do things now that I could not, not even when I was 10 kilos less than now. I have a really hard time though to actually be happy about these things, as I just do not want to be considered obese any longer. I am so over it.

 Here Comes My List! 

  1. I can fit in my bathtub as of now. We have a pretty normal-sized bathtub and I could actually not fit in it before. I could not stretch out properly as the tub gets narrower at the end. So that is a pretty nice feeling!
  2. I am able to run several kilometers, without feeling like I am about to die. Not only can I do it but I enjoy doing it. I love the feeling of rushing breath and how I can transport myself.
  3. The blouse I bought last September actually fits now.  It seems to be a reoccurring issue of mine. To know how big or small I actually am. You can read about it here.
    I bought a blouse, that did not fit me that well. Today I think it is a pretty nice fit.                               
  4. I bought a ring few years ago, and I have not been able to fit it. It is back on my finger now.
  5. I have gotten some new hobbies. Today I count working out as a hobby. It is imperative that I move on a daily basis, if not it makes me totally grumpy! As I am challenging myself to live differently from the past, time is being used differently than in the past. I value learning things and experience new things.

Moving Forward

I need to find a balance between these two measurements. I need to learn that these measurements are OK too and that everything is not in what the scale says. That it is OK to be standing still for to months. Learning to see it as a learning experience too. I am working on how to deal with maintenance. This is my end goal, so I should be happy I have found it.
The only problem I am not supposed to be there. I am working to lose weight, so if my losing weight strategy is actually a maintenance strategy, well then I am a bit off. 
Anywho. I will try to be happy about these victories and feel proud about them for now and not worry too much right now, about anything else.

What I Do In a Day to Lose Weight

Photo by Total Shape on Pexels.com
  1. Eat a high protein breakfast. 
  2. Avoid sugary drinks and fruit juice. 
  3. Drink water before meals. 
  4. Choose weight-loss-friendly foods. 
  5. Eat soluble fiber. 
  6. Drink coffee or tea. 
  7. Base your diet on whole foods. 
  8. Eat slowly.

Does anyone recognize a list like this?
I got this from googling “top daily tip on how to lose weight”.
This is not the exception. This is the standard. Almost everywhere people give tips and tricks like these on how to lose weight.
And even if these tips are per say not bad I no longer want to abide them. I used to, just as so many before me but this time around it has to be for life and never again. I cannot mentally go through this again. 
I want and do things differently now because I truly believe that these tips above are only short-term mentality. At least they have been for me. I want and need long-term success. There cannot be any other option for me. This is like my shot of doing it right. I am exhausted already, and making it again, I do not know if I have it in me. 
Hence me really looking into a new way of doing weight loss. Sustainable, long term, mindful and holistic. 
This means, for me looking into all aspect of life. Weight loss is  much more than the amount of water you drink, or how much raw food you consume.
Weight loss is about strategies and a fulfilled life which give you balance and helps you to choice wisely. Weight loss is about being in peace with your mind and get proper coping skills to deal with the suffering of the world. 

What I Do In a Day to Lose Weight

1. Making my bed- I do it straight away when I get up.
This was advised to me years ago by a really dear friend. He told me this when I was in my deepest depression in Bolivia, when I just had gotten divorced. I did not do it then though but wish I had. It does something with me. I start the day of achieving something! If I have achieved one thing, I can do just about anything. If I start the day doing something, I want to keep the day in a positive way. 
And is there anything better than going to bed in a made one!

2. Reading books– Last year I was able to manage 12 books.
This year I want to push it a tad bit more and get 15 under my belt. Once you are in the read, time flies and there is no time to think about anything else. It enriches me and I feel as if I accomplished something again.  An extra plus is that I learn something or only to get entertained. Keeps my mind away from wandering off into the dark side. 

3. Working attentively during the day-I do not only work and nothing else.
But I tend to be quite focused on what I do. I also tend not to think about food while I am working. I am a scout and the scout lead word is to always do its best. Neither this have I truthfully done in the past. But to be immersed and really work your best gives me a real satisfaction and I feel proud over it.  Why make myself unproud of this proudness, doing something which is not beneficial for me, such as stuffing my face or skipping that run. 

4. Working on a new or old skill. I often eat when I am bored.
I do not have time to be bored if I work on some kind of improvement of myself. Again, if I do it properly and give it my all, I do not feel I have cheated something.  Neither am I  in the need to eat those feelings of shame that I have done nothing,  away. I work on my self esteem and to see that I can actually improve, and quite quickly once I have decided about it is such a boost I do not want to spoil it with any negative feeling. 


5. Being on top of my finances. A huge stress factor for me has been finances.
It has been a big reason why I overeat and overfill myself. I have gotten so stressed so I do not know what else to do, then to eat. Having my finances in order and creating a strategy on how to improve them further gives me a sense of relief and I stress less. 
6. Not meeting people. I of course mean people which I do not want to meet.
I am terrified of being left alone. Not being loved and to have no friends. Many times have I met people “because we have been friends for long time and I should”. I am working on not feeling terrified anymore. Everyone do not need to love me, nor me them. I have met with people I did not even like and this is no a healthy action.  Due to some twisted feeling of should. Or old memories and connections. I do no longer do this, or rather say I try not to do this,  and it is such a relief!
7. Working out and watching my diet. Here it came though.
The bit more normal tip. I do try to move and exercise every day. I have a goal of walking 10 000 steps just to know that I have been moving. Then I do quite a lot of other things. You can read more about my activity plan here. I also eat after intermittent fasting and I try to stay away from some foods sometimes. There are no bad foods though, just unhealthy amounts! 

Does It Work Not Focusing on Traditional Tips?

Truth to be told, I have not been moving one single gram the last 2.5 months. Nothing. It is extremely frustrating and more than once have I broken down in tears. Why oh why do I not shed the weight? This is what I have asked myself. Not even one single gram and I struggle immensely with this as of right now. Just today I wanted to stuff myself with something, nothing in particular just something, as I could feel the panic and resentment towards myself rising.
Why you idiot did you do this to yourself. You are a fucking idiot and loser. No one will ever love you as you are such a idiot and you will forever be shit.
On and on it goes.
But somewhere I am truly convinced that if I do not focus on losing weight, and I am focusing on creating a balance in life. I focus on making my bed. On removing toxicity in life, on being gentle with myself it will give the best result. It might take longer time but it will happen. If I really look at my eating habits, there are probably tweaks I can do. I probably do not do all the points above all the time resulting in me not feeling well about myself and either do not do as good work out, or eat something I should not. My mind resent myself sometimes, and by doing this we hang on to weight. I need to forgive and let go. If I work on loving myself and enjoying this journey it will result in something good.

10 Months and 20 Kilos Later- Am I Failing My weight loss?


I have been on this weight loss journey for about 10 months. It is not for about, I should say for 10 months.
It was 10 months ago to the day, that I had my first workout with my trainer. It is interesting looking back because somewhere did I think I would be in great shape 10 lessons later.
As that was my initial plan. 10 Personal trainer sessions and I would be in top shape. What a naïve girl!
The first 10 sessions did not even do a dent in my weight and my overall performance and health. I loudly proclaimed that I would be done by end of month 2 and I would be able to return to life known before.

Where Am I Now? The Same Stats For Last 3 Months


I am at the exact place as I were December 11th. The exact place.
I did get that I did not stay consistent over the holidays and that I would need to work towards losing weight after new year and that did come true.
I did not expect it to come true for this long.
I weight myself every Friday but I took the executive decision to not do it for a couple of weeks. I had a total breakdown last Friday as I had again not even lost 100 grams. The weight transformation does seem to have stopped.
Not only the scale, but my measurements are the same as well. The exact same for last 3 months. I will not lie and say that this does not bother me, as it really bothers me. As well as all the tools and implementations I do which all improve my life, I do them as I think this is the key to a sustainable life and weight loss. I am starting to really doubt myself. Maybe this is not the route to go? Is it? I am doing everything right. Or am I not?

Weight Loss Plateaus Are Normal- Here Is Why

When I first started reading about weight-loss Plateaus I was quite excited. As the first things you read is this:

When a person reaches a weight loss plateau, they will no longer lose any weight, despite following a diet and fitness regimen. Research shows that weight loss plateaus happen after about 6 months of following a low-calorie diet.

That feels quite reassuring. It is not me who is doing anything wrong. It is just how the human body works. As I am following the same regimen both physical movement and eating habits.
The came the less reassuring information. And quite demoralizing information. It is all my fault.

However, the researchers behind a study on this issue concluded that although a person’s metabolism can change as they lose weight, this does not explain why the weight loss plateau occurs. They believe that the weight loss plateau happens due to a person no longer adhering to their diet plan. – Medical News Today.

This have I read in more than one place. Many sources point towards the same results and information.
So what is the conclusion for me? It is easy. I either do not eat really as well as I think I do nor am I expending as much calories as I think I do. One of these or quite plausible both. It would be so amazing if it was something that happened in the body which made us enter the plateau, but as researchers say. We are not as focused as we used to be anymore

Am I Failing My Weight loss or How Do I See It?

Looking at the “proofs” above, we can see I am not doing as well as I could do. I am on a plateau not because the body is entering a plateau for no reasons. I am not moving in any direction as I am not at focused and as strict with my regimen.
I am technically failing the weight loss as I am not losing anything. I do, however, not see it this way. I am somewhat learning how to live without gaining. Which is amazing! This is my end goal one day. Right now? No, but I truly try to see it this way.
I honestly believe that my way I am on, is the one for me. To not focus on only my weight loss as calories in and out, but focus on a holistic loss and improve many sections of my life. I am now incorporating this. I am more mindful and holistic than I have been before, so adding on extra levels will give me a “set back” in the weight loss section. I truly believe though that if I keep on this trajectory and keep being mindful, stress less, doing my daily lists it will naturally come. I will naturally take the food option which is most benefitable for me as I know I might not do that right now. Evidence says I do not. I will continue with my intermittent fasting not because I will lose weight from it but I have gotten amazing brain function from that. I will focus on the benefits from this route I decided to take and not just count calories, as I deeply thing It will move downwards if I just keep at it. Something I have learned is that keep consistent and focus and results will come.
This does not mean I freak out from time to time, I do. As said I will not use the scale for two weeks as I feel the frustration each time and that frustration leads to stress and stress leads to eating for me. So tweaking my life to keep calm and not stress out. Holistic point of view.
I am not failing I am learning!

Healing From Psychological Hunger

Photo by Henri Mathieu-Saint-Laurent on Pexels.com

I have been hungry as long as I can remember. I would eat, and almost immediately be hungry again. I would never think that the food on my plate was enough. Going for dinners was planned out so I went to the place not with best food but with biggest plate.
I constantly thought about what my next meal would be and look like.
I would be full, but feel hunger at the same time. Always wanted to eat something. Never feeling saturated.

It has for sure been one of my biggest struggles whenever I have wanted to lose weight. I have not been able to keep myself from not eating. The struggle has been too hard. I would go down to not eat almost anything and then one day have some of the forbidden food and I could not stop myself. I would just eat. Not overfilling myself on one occasion so I have no issues with binge eating. I would just start eating again and as my psychological hunger would be so great, once the forbidden foods were back in my diet, I would just eat them and eat them at whatever occasion. Never restricting a thing any longer.

I did not know that I wanted to fix this, as I did think of it as normal. I was a thought that slowly has been creeping up.
I knew that something needed to change this time around. I want this transformation to be long-lasting and not for a short fix.

What Psychological Hunger Is For Me

Physiological hunger is pretty straight forward. You do not eat for an extended period of time and your brain gets messages from the stomach in form of ghrelin that it needs new fuel.

So what does it really mean- psychological hunger- for me?

It meant for me, that I was constantly hungry or thought about food. Constantly
I would wake up and think about how much I wanted to eat for breakfast. Already before finishing breakfast, I would think about a snack I could have before lunch and lunch could not come fast enough.
The hours between each meal was long dragging time which could not go slower.
It meant thinking, and breathing food and hunger. What I would cook, and how I would enjoy eating it once it was cooked. I would never feel saturated and I could always have just a tad more. Just a tad more again please. And just a tad again.
I would need cup after cup of coffee in-between each meal to be able to manage until the next one.
It must have been impossible that these feeling were sent from the stomach with the transmitter ghrelin. As I was was full.
This is what I refer to as psychological hunger. Something which was not sitting right with my mind and kept me feeling a mental hunger.

What Transformed Me and My Eating Habits?

I started intermittent fasting around September of 2020. I would eat between 10 AM to 6 PM. I would need to sip cup after cup of coffee and tea in the morning and after 6 PM just to be able to continue on. Hunger would be ravenous and I still dreamed about food.
At one point it was even worse than before as now I was restricting the time, and I would stress eat, just because I knew that soon my eating window would close.
Slowly but surly something was happening though, not over night. Not in a week and not in a month.
I started to feel that the 10 AM bit of food was not making sense any-longer. Between 10 and 12 which is my lunch time I would be able to manage. I would not need to eat during these 2 hours.
Staving hunger away with a coffee would be enough. Soon not even that. The hunger was just not needed to be staved away as it was not even there.
So my new eating window would be from Noon to 7PM. And by time the most interesting thing happened. I was not counting the hours until I could have a meal.
Not needed to cook anymore really helped as well. Not needing to be around the aromas and tasting of the food.
The interesting thing is that I have had no restrictions. More than my eating window yes, but the amount or the type of food has been really giving. There has been no forbidden food nor ingredients which I would not eat.


Healing From Psychological Hunger and Coming to Terms With Food

I have been so sad the last month. I have felt like a failure and not knowing how to really move on. I have been working out, and in that department it has been great. I have become stronger, been able to run farther.
My weight stood still though. Not a gram in any direction. I was ready to throw in the towel and announce myself defeated.

Then it hit me.
I am no longer hungry. I no longer obsess about food nor think about it. I do not think what I want to cook and I do not plan what I will snack.

Of course I am hungry, but I do not feel the hunger as a never ending emotion. I wake up in the morning, not feeling like an endless pit or that I have to drink my coffee to be able to survive few hours before lunch.
I do not feel like all I want is night to come, so I no longer need this punishment of not eating food.
I feel fine. I eat. I feel full. I do not think about food, as I feel full.

It is a odd sensation honestly, as this obsession has been with me forever. If I did not eat, I thought about it. Planned it or cooked it.

For me I can clearly see few things that has truly helped me

  • Not cooking myself any-longer.
  • Intermittent fasting.
  • No restrictions in regards of food types
  • Practicing accountability as a part of my life, as it has reduced stress
  • Dealing with my emotions about everything- as it has reduced stress
  • Getting financial stabile- as it has reduced stress and I am in control of my life.

Moving Forward With Weight-loss

Realizing this. the other day left me feeling so much better. I have healed from a terrible condition and we cannot do all in one go. This process might be longer, but I think it is the right one and this only confirms it for me.
I feel I finally have a normal relation to food. I do not need to overeat, I have found that what I eat and how much I move can clearly keep me maintaining. I have somewhat found home.
And I have done it, without feeling like I deprive myself from anything. Amounts has just been naturally and I have stopped when I felt good.

I do want to still lose weight though. I know I have too much body for my frame. I can feel it in my hips and knees and lower back, that they are not happy.
My joint in my toes hurt and I do not think that having these extra 20 kilos is a plus in this equation.
So I will continue on this path, making some tweaks though. I will remove the afternoon cake and the extra 2 bread slices a day.
Being mindful of not eating it everyday, but just sometimes. Not removing completely but decreasing the frequency of it.
Pizza and pasta sometimes, and maybe not all of it every week.
I feel so much in peace with this now, as I know it is nothing painful I need to do. I have already found peace with my food.
Being more mindful about the nutritional value I put into myself does not feel like a chore right now, if feels like a treat.

Fat to Skinny and Back- Body Dysmorphia- Is This What I am Suffering From?

I have been an extreme weight pendulum for almost as long as I know.
The first time I shed a substantial amount of weight was in my teens. I think I was 13 almost pushing 100 kilos and over the course of one summer got myself down to the higher 70s.
That was all regained in few years.

The next time I was around 18, leaving high school and again I started around 100 kilos and got myself down to a really low number in the higher 60s. I am 174 so for me, that was a really low number.
All regained in few years.

Now I had had a baby and for the first time had I crossed the 100 kilo mark, and beyond. I vividly remember standing on the scale showing 105 kilos thinking it must just be something inherently wrong with the scale. It went most probably even higher because after that I did not stand on a scale again for a long time and I know for sure I gained some. Before losing it and I shed quite a bit.
Same story again- regained it all.

My Incapability to See Me and Myself In a Body

And now I am here again. 116 Kilos and pushing for a weight loss. I desperately need a different outcome.
The weight gain has to stop.
30-40 kilos up and down cannot be healthy in any sort of way. The fluctuation and stress it causes the body cannot be good in any way.
On no scale can I claim that I have a healthy relationship with myself, nor my body.
Why is that?
I am trying to understand my issue, and fix it. I deeply believe that this is more than just an issue with eating too much. Which obviously is an issue, but this fluctuation is due to something more.
I need to fix something, for this to work this time. Understanding what is wrong and how to heal or deal with it is the key to my success.
I am not calling it a holistic view out from nothing. I have to transform into a being that is more in line with herself.
I really enjoy analyzing myself, and I constantly do it. I have discovered one thing.
I cannot see myself.

Do not get me wrong. Of course, I can see myself, I do not think I am some sort of vampire who does not have a reflection in the mirror.

What I mean is- I cannot see how small or big I am. I just cannot.

I vividly remember how I used to ask, my now ex-husband about people and their bodies, to get a reference point.
Am I as big as her? What about this woman? Is this the size I am, what about that?

He would, understandably, get annoyed and thinking that I was just trying to tell that I was I was fishing a bit too often and much for compliments and wanting remarks about my incredible weight loss.
I was not; I honestly could not see my own body and how small it was. I just saw myself as fat and big.

This would shift though. At one point, I would realize that I had actually lost the weight, I was not pushing 100 kilos anymore. The notion had finally sunken in. Then when I started gaining weight came the same issue but opposite way.
I could not see my body again. Now my body was small. Now my body was skinny.
10 kilos extra on scale was an incorrect scale. I was still skinny. 20+ still skinny. 30+?
Yes you are right still- ok not skinny anymore, I had realized there had been some gain but not how much. I would look myself in the mirror and see a skinnier person.



I vividly remember the moment I realized I was not the smaller size me anymore. Like really realized it.
I was in an intimate situation with a man where I proudly proclaimed my victory over weight gain and how I had lost 30+ kilos.
I clearly remembering his surprised and really unbelieved eyes and the doubt in his voice.
– Aha OK, right.

That was it. The words and the doubt threw me off my pretend cloud and dropped me down in reality. I was fat again, and boy was I really fat. The scale had pendulum to 116 kilos and the gain was a true horrible fact.

This is not the first time though. Looking back, all my gains and losses has been like this. Me not realizing that I am losing or gaining. I cannot see my body for what it is. It is the same now. I know I have lost 20 kilos, but I cannot see it. Because I cannot see it, I dismiss all evidence that this is the truth.
And as happened in the past it will hit me, and from that moment I will identify as a smaller person, and I will not see the gain, that will creep up. And the never ending cycle is a fact.

Body Dysmorphia and What It is

” Body Dysmorphia Definition- Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD), or body dysmorphia, is a mental health condition where a person spends a lot of time worrying about flaws in their appearance. These flaws are often unnoticeable to others. People of any age can have BDD, but it’s most common in teenagers and young adults.”

I have been reading about Body Dysmorphia- read more here– and leaning towards this. I do not think it fits me really, as I do not obsess about it. Neither is it only about flaws. When I am smaller- I am really loving it!

So what can it be, that make me not able to see what I actually look like? I do not know. I will need to look more into this though as I really think this is what needs to be healed in order to be successful for the long run.

If you have suffered or are suffering from the same. Let me know what you did or are doing to heal from this.

Weight-loss Approach a La Manka

The constant question we all have! OK maybe not us all but we who want to shed it.

– How the F do we shed these bloody kilos?!

As mentioned before, this is not my first rodeo, I do wish it to be the last one. I know what I have done in the past and decided not to do the same.

“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”– Rita Mae Brown

So I am doing something new. Something I did not try before. It does not seem too strange of an idea according to me.

So what have I done in the past- so I know what not to do again?

1. Stopped eating all together– It is really effective but you cannot go doing that forever so might not be so clever.
2. On the same line- stopped eating everything “Unhealthy“, pasta, rice, potatoes, sugar, sweets, meat, bread, fat, you name it. I have stopped it all. This has only gotten me to ravenously craving just these types of food ending in me not being able to stop once I started again. And you always start to eat it again.
3. Super strict just to indulge over the weekend- whatever progress that I might have had was canceled out over the food I had over the weekend. 2 days of stuffing yourself with food and drinks can easily cancel out any good work over the weekend.
4. That one workout would validate overeating – But come on! I worked out, I can eat this second serving of pasta and a dessert on top of this. Add some sugar into my coffee already! Anything else needed to say?
5. One times a week moving would be enough– My sister only goes to gym once a week and she in slim. Why should I need more? Maybe because you are 40 kilos over, and she is not.

What is the Plan for this and final time around? – HOLISTIC

I really believe that if I do not work on all aspects of my life this will never work. I have used food to cover up a lot of insecurities and issues I have. Also for boredom and stress. I need to work on the stuff inside my head. I need to find a way of living that brings everything together, so I do not need to rely on food and sedentary life to survive.

1. Bringing my finances in order– I stress over this constantly. After I got divorced while living in South America I did not live on much. Many days I could not eat as I could not afford to buy food for both me and my daughter. So many Sundays I ransacked all my purses to see if I could find few bolivianos for transport to school and work. Energy for caring for myself when in financial stress is 0.
2. Moving on a regular basis- No, 1 time a week is not enough for a realistic weight loss for me. I do not believe so. Once weight is shed and I need to maintain, OK. Now, not. I need to make sure my expenditure is higher than my intake.
3. Consistency- No matter what, gain or loss or stale just keep doing what I am doing. It is working somewhat. Just do the grinding. I do feel honestly happier and better just doing it, even if at the moment nothing is happening.
4. Transparency to myself– Be honest about what I have eaten. During christmas I know I pretended I had not as much food as I actually had. Or as much sugar as I actually had. I need to be honest. Rules are not bad. Rules are OK. And it is needed to be followed and be honest about them. It is ok to not do it all the time but be honest about it. If I am not, how can I make any tweaks.
5. Finding hobbies- I get bored and I eat. Or I watch movies and series resulting in me not moving. I need to work on all elements to have a balanced life, where I feel I am worthy of success. I have dedicated 30 min a week for learning/trying new things to push myself into doing more things than just sitting on my ass.
6. Working with a trainer- I am going to take in a trainer again. I am not there yet to put myself into hard workouts and know what I need to do to improve with them. I have goals with my body and I do not know how to reach them. I have lived a sedentary life, how am I suppose to know myself what can be good or how to do it. Bring in help where help is needed.

That is my plan so far. I might add or remove- I shall see. I think it looks like I have made a thought out plan and idea of my LIFE, not just my weight. I have considered the aspect of the past and looked into how I can make it manageable now. I cannot continue on this path of 30-40+- fluctuation in weight. My body is hurting and aching.

What is your plan how to take control of your life?

Recent Photo Taken, 20 Kilos Down

Overindulging & Underperforming- What Not to Do On Weight loss

December has passed us now. I am more than happy about it.
The struggle is real! December came and I added on quite some extra work to cover Christmas. I am a freelancer and do not have paid holidays.
( Building a sinking fund for just this reason!)
So with extra work came fewer hours to work out. I know working out cannot cancel a bad diet, but I think my diet is pretty OK. Until. Well until it is not. For me these two things go hand in hand. I work out and I eat well. I do not work out, I eat badly.
I think that these two keep themselves accountable. But truth to be told, I am having a hard time with the 80% diet 20% exercise for weight loss. I grew up with 100% physical activity leads to weight loss, and it is a hard pill to swallow, this new data.

alone bed bedroom blur
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

December and the Almighty Overindulging Month

December came and with the extra work, I started slipping with my diet. Overeating here, and overeating there.
” One thing sometimes is OK”
Of course- if it sometimes. My only problem has always been and will most probably always be:
The sometimes coming more and more often. This is exactly what happened. Eating a cookie more here, and a mayo potato salad here.
Maybe you want an extra serving of that my lady? – Well of course yes!

Training came less and less often.

Then I escaped to Barcelona for a week. The intention was of course good. I think that we got out 3 times in a 7 days trip. Only thing that I outdid all of that nice moving around with my eating and drinking.
You cannot outdo a bad diet with exercise, but what you for sure can do is outdo a good exercise with shitty eating!
From intermitted fasting to overindulging. Working-out 5-6 times a week till about 2-3. Not drinking alcohol to having it on a daily basis. None of this was really beneficial for me.

Then Came Christmas. Oh My Oh My


Potato salad, mayo, cookies, chocolate, eggnog, then some more cookies and potato salad. Then few more chocolates. NO and I mean NO walks or runs or work out. It was 3 to 4 days of absolutely nothing. Well, we had the fare share of Christmas fairytales. Movies hour after hour.
Me sleeping about every single day for about 10 hours straight and with a daily nap of about 2 hours.
How all my implemented measures and ways totally and utterly just crackled down on me. Not even pretending to do anything.
I do not like this idea, to “be good” and then have “cheat days” and after that repent and ” be back on track”. I just find it inherently wrong to have this idea about food, and exercise and any regimen you may have.
This lockdown was not doing anything easier either. We have to stay in from 9PM to 5AM. Curfew is killing any time in the evening to try to manage something.

I did all that I had set out not to do. Overindulged and underperformed.

I set it out as my goal and it totally fing failed. I am so disappointed. I am not going to pretend other. I let myself totally go and that is what I have set out not to do. I do not want to live this way of up and down and back and forth.
Overfill myself to after that starve myself and then just stuff, stuff, and then stuff myself. This is not healthy and doable. This is not how I do want to live. I do not want to just let every habit and thing I have built up, be crushed down and by no one else than me. I prefer something else. What I am not entirely sure of yet. But I know that if I will find peace with myself, I have to find a new way how to interact with food, activities, and the thoughts I have about them.

neon signage
Photo by Ivan Bertolazzi on Pexels.com

The Month Has Come to an End

So, November month is over. We celebrated 1st of December yesterday. I like to make a little review from the passed month and get myself a new intentional plan.
If there is something I am learning is that without a plan in action, I do nothing. I cannot just do things if there is not a plan set. It is kind of a revelation, as I thought I was a woman in action. Buuuuut No.
There are too many other options out there that distracts me and I fall for them, all the time.
My head is already full of things and I think I suffer from decision fatigue, so this is the way I have managed to get things and I will keep it.
So.
November, has been both a hard and easy month.
Easy in the sense that the work-outs I am doing is really starting to bare fruit. I am noticing nice results and I can feel after each training that I have progressed.
Hard in the sense, that to find the motivation, in the dark and cold is really hard to work with. Not even the motivation, the determination. I just feel like I want to watch a movie and drink coffee all evenings long. Just the fact that evenings starts already at the afternoon now, at 5pm it’s pitch black.

I had as a goal to walk 1 hour a day during day light.
Did not manage. I just did not want to wake up. I have been walking every day, on average 1.56 hours but not in day light. I walked less than during October, but I am quite OK with this anyhow as the darkness and cold is quite overwhelming this year.
Work out 5-6 days apart of walking.
Did not manage again as I just want to drink coffee and sleep. I did 4-5 times which is OK but I think that a solid 5 should be better to have. It has been hard too, as neither are the pools, nor gyms open and in wet cold weather it is getting harder for me.
Add 30 min daily for self development activity, or enriching skills I already have.
Hahaha. Did not happened at all. I have done maybe 30 min per week. I just did not plan enough around this. I totally did not.

A lot of it has been me blaming the weather, mood, temperature. But it is just that, I blame something. I need to stop this pattern of blaming. If I want something, well then I just need to do it. No one will come and give it to me, and honestly I would not want it anyhow, not anymore.
I just need to focus, and do it. Hence the lists. I have started with daily lists of what to do, to add some clarity to my days.

So plan for December is:
Walk 1 hour a day in sunlight. Does not need to be one hour straight, but in total. It is important to be out and see the sun. It gives me energy.
Add Vitamin D to my routine of food.
5 Times a week with different trainings than walks, should be easier now as gyms and pools can open from this Thursday.
30 min of working on skills, or self development 3-5 times a week. Every day I guess was a bit ambitious. 😀

So, Let December Commence!

I Hope One Day We Will Feel Happy

A friends told me this last week when we met, after a long time not seeing each other. I told him why, what and how I am changing my life. I told him I am pushing and working hard because I need to get somewhere in life.
I needed to start being the parent who sets up a plan for its child and then just work after it. I read that in Jordan Peterson’s book ” 12 Rules of Life”
Be someone you are responsible for helping. I needed to listen to the future me, not just satisfy the present me.
And I just want to put it straight.

Never ever have I felt as happy as I do now. And it hit me, listening to him, that maybe it does not seem so.
I know I force myself to keep moving. I push myself every single day. I do not feel like it every day, for sure not. I do skip things that the present Manka would want, as I know that the future Manka will be happier from it.
Treating myself like this, I have found out the the present me is changing too. That the destructive, immediate wants are not so interesting anymore.

I push myself every day but it makes me happy. I have never felt this good, mentally, ever. I know I write- on my Instagram -check it out- MankasLifeDiet about the struggles I have and that it is hard and that motivation might be missing sometimes.
But I feel happy in the struggle, and pushing myself, and feeling unmotivated and doing it anyway and feeling the feelings of hard. In struggles and hardship and how we overcome it, we grow.

I have quite some plans of what I will do in the future and where I am moving towards. It will be hard and I will do the same. Push myself, I will feel unmotivated, and ,probably, bored as well by it. But I truly believe I will feel as happy, if not happier, as now. – I will let you know if I do not 😉
|One day is already here for me.