Life Is Suffering; It Does Not Mean We Should Suffer

I think we all have been there. Me for sure. More than once. Repeatedly time. The wallowing in pain and suffer. Feeling like you are about to suffocate from the despair you exhibit.
The pain of unmounted levels and the feeling that nothing is interesting anymore.
It seems like many of us, if not all, have been there or are there. Again, me included.  The idea of living without pain and suffering has been impossible. Almost offensive to me, when presented.
How on earth would anyone be anything else than pain and suffering. Life is not fair, and the sheer thought of that statement, that life is not fair, is painful in itself.

It would aggravate me and offend me. As if all my collective suffering would be greater than anyone else suffering.
It seemed as well as it was this what life was about. Endless pain and no happiness in sight.
Why would everyone work against me and my happiness? If people could just act and be so I could feel happy.
It was in fact everyone else faults the whole debacle of pain and suffering.

Really mean people!

After my most recent meeting with hello darkness my old friend though, I had the good fortune to be around a friend who took me into a new train of thoughts, and on that have I built something new.

Buddhists believe that suffering is part of life, to be expected, and that if a person experiences pain calmly, without becoming emotionally distressed, he can attain greater states of being.

Life Is Suffering; It Does Not Mean We Should Suffer

What is then the difference between these two statements?

Looking at it from a language standpoint we have a thing: Suffering and we have an action: To suffer.

One is an observation we can say and one is the action we are doing.

I can observe that life around me is suffering. It is. I will not take that away from anyone.
My divorce was inherently painful.  Living as a single mom without proper salary and the stress it put on me was also huge suffering.  Me ending up in the hospital at the mental ward as I totally burned out from the suffering.

Life is suffering. It is. It is painful to live and most of the things that we endeavor are painful. It is not fair and a lot of times are we treated unfairly. We do things we do not want and are pushed to people we do not maybe like because we are in a position that we cannot do anything else. 
These are all sufferings. They are hard and painful things that happen.

I can also observe how I act.
There are big events happening in life from which we cannot escape. I was getting a divorce was; I was going to live on air and bread from now on.

I acted it.

I went into it with all the pain that one can imagine.  Before I had my mental breakdown, after moving back to Prague and Europe, I lived in stress and agony and pain. I wallowed in my pittieness and whenever something positive came my way, I immediately dismissed it.
It would not make any difference anyhow, as my suffering was bigger than anyone else. Mine made sense and I had no other option than to live like this. In this. Unless maybe all people around me started to act in the way so I could stop feeling pain or that all bad things happening would stop happening.
Then it all would be OK.


Here is where I truly think I was wrong. And so many like me. We live the suffer instead of being trajected by it.

There is a difference between a thing and an action.  We can observe and then we can choose.

Before Life Transformation
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Then What? A Life With Suffering; Without Pain

Pain is a basic instrument for our body signaling that something is wrong. The suffering is there. You feel pain. Now what we have to do is to remove it.
That is the purpose of suffering. To overcome it and to act on it. If we do not act on it, we stay in the state of suffering and we begin to suffer.
We begin to see the world as a black, dark and lonely place. Very often blaming others for their good fortune and how we cannot have the same. As we are suffering.

Believe me, I have done this. Over and over and then again over.

In the last years, after my collapse, I decided to live a life not in suffer. It has really not been easy and I have slipped up many times and wondered if this is really the path to walk.
To see the suffering, acknowledge it, and move on. This is what I am doing. Even more so the last year.
I decided that I was done feeling like the world was about to crumble. I had just had enough.
So small changes at first. I decided to everyday work on myself; to become a little bit stronger and a little bit better version of myself than I was yesterday.
I reconciled with the idea, that I will have struggles and hardships for the rest of my life.

This is what life consists of so why try to escape it.

The funny part is, that once I reconciled with that idea, and that happiness is not the ultimate goal but removal of pain is; a lot of pain disappeared.
So after deciding that every day I should be a bit better, I had to look at the things that brought me too much pain and clinically look at it and remove it.

I just had to do, whatever I needed to do, to be able to observe something and see it for what it was and make changes.
because that is what suffering is telling you to do. Change. Evolve. Move forward.
It has been everything. Jobs. Friends. Hobbies. Dreams. 
it is hard as f**k to start with, as everything is at the beginning. Everything has a learning curve. Am I doing the right thing? What if I make a mistake in what I think is right?

Well, if one action or situation or person or whatever gives you the same feeling over and over or we do the stupidest things that we feel ashamed of. Anxiety about. Stress from.
There sherlock, that is your cue. You are in pain and you need to honor that sign and do something about it.
And the amazing part is, that if we for some reason see that what I thought was the right thing to do in the end was not. We can always do something about that too. I am not saying it will be easy, not at first. Just as nothing is easy at first. Remember when I was going to go for my first run and I failed after about 10 meters.
This is just the same.
I run 10 kilometers today. You can as well if you are willing to change and do the work.


Fat to Skinny and Back- Body Dysmorphia- Is This What I am Suffering From?

I have been an extreme weight pendulum for almost as long as I know.
The first time I shed a substantial amount of weight was in my teens. I think I was 13 almost pushing 100 kilos and over the course of one summer got myself down to the higher 70s.
That was all regained in few years.

The next time I was around 18, leaving high school and again I started around 100 kilos and got myself down to a really low number in the higher 60s. I am 174 so for me, that was a really low number.
All regained in few years.

Now I had had a baby and for the first time had I crossed the 100 kilo mark, and beyond. I vividly remember standing on the scale showing 105 kilos thinking it must just be something inherently wrong with the scale. It went most probably even higher because after that I did not stand on a scale again for a long time and I know for sure I gained some. Before losing it and I shed quite a bit.
Same story again- regained it all.

My Incapability to See Me and Myself In a Body

And now I am here again. 116 Kilos and pushing for a weight loss. I desperately need a different outcome.
The weight gain has to stop.
30-40 kilos up and down cannot be healthy in any sort of way. The fluctuation and stress it causes the body cannot be good in any way.
On no scale can I claim that I have a healthy relationship with myself, nor my body.
Why is that?
I am trying to understand my issue, and fix it. I deeply believe that this is more than just an issue with eating too much. Which obviously is an issue, but this fluctuation is due to something more.
I need to fix something, for this to work this time. Understanding what is wrong and how to heal or deal with it is the key to my success.
I am not calling it a holistic view out from nothing. I have to transform into a being that is more in line with herself.
I really enjoy analyzing myself, and I constantly do it. I have discovered one thing.
I cannot see myself.

Do not get me wrong. Of course, I can see myself, I do not think I am some sort of vampire who does not have a reflection in the mirror.

What I mean is- I cannot see how small or big I am. I just cannot.

I vividly remember how I used to ask, my now ex-husband about people and their bodies, to get a reference point.
Am I as big as her? What about this woman? Is this the size I am, what about that?

He would, understandably, get annoyed and thinking that I was just trying to tell that I was I was fishing a bit too often and much for compliments and wanting remarks about my incredible weight loss.
I was not; I honestly could not see my own body and how small it was. I just saw myself as fat and big.

This would shift though. At one point, I would realize that I had actually lost the weight, I was not pushing 100 kilos anymore. The notion had finally sunken in. Then when I started gaining weight came the same issue but opposite way.
I could not see my body again. Now my body was small. Now my body was skinny.
10 kilos extra on scale was an incorrect scale. I was still skinny. 20+ still skinny. 30+?
Yes you are right still- ok not skinny anymore, I had realized there had been some gain but not how much. I would look myself in the mirror and see a skinnier person.



I vividly remember the moment I realized I was not the smaller size me anymore. Like really realized it.
I was in an intimate situation with a man where I proudly proclaimed my victory over weight gain and how I had lost 30+ kilos.
I clearly remembering his surprised and really unbelieved eyes and the doubt in his voice.
– Aha OK, right.

That was it. The words and the doubt threw me off my pretend cloud and dropped me down in reality. I was fat again, and boy was I really fat. The scale had pendulum to 116 kilos and the gain was a true horrible fact.

This is not the first time though. Looking back, all my gains and losses has been like this. Me not realizing that I am losing or gaining. I cannot see my body for what it is. It is the same now. I know I have lost 20 kilos, but I cannot see it. Because I cannot see it, I dismiss all evidence that this is the truth.
And as happened in the past it will hit me, and from that moment I will identify as a smaller person, and I will not see the gain, that will creep up. And the never ending cycle is a fact.

Body Dysmorphia and What It is

” Body Dysmorphia Definition- Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD), or body dysmorphia, is a mental health condition where a person spends a lot of time worrying about flaws in their appearance. These flaws are often unnoticeable to others. People of any age can have BDD, but it’s most common in teenagers and young adults.”

I have been reading about Body Dysmorphia- read more here– and leaning towards this. I do not think it fits me really, as I do not obsess about it. Neither is it only about flaws. When I am smaller- I am really loving it!

So what can it be, that make me not able to see what I actually look like? I do not know. I will need to look more into this though as I really think this is what needs to be healed in order to be successful for the long run.

If you have suffered or are suffering from the same. Let me know what you did or are doing to heal from this.