Fat to Skinny and Back- Body Dysmorphia- Is This What I am Suffering From?

I have been an extreme weight pendulum for almost as long as I know.
The first time I shed a substantial amount of weight was in my teens. I think I was 13 almost pushing 100 kilos and over the course of one summer got myself down to the higher 70s.
That was all regained in few years.

The next time I was around 18, leaving high school and again I started around 100 kilos and got myself down to a really low number in the higher 60s. I am 174 so for me, that was a really low number.
All regained in few years.

Now I had had a baby and for the first time had I crossed the 100 kilo mark, and beyond. I vividly remember standing on the scale showing 105 kilos thinking it must just be something inherently wrong with the scale. It went most probably even higher because after that I did not stand on a scale again for a long time and I know for sure I gained some. Before losing it and I shed quite a bit.
Same story again- regained it all.

My Incapability to See Me and Myself In a Body

And now I am here again. 116 Kilos and pushing for a weight loss. I desperately need a different outcome.
The weight gain has to stop.
30-40 kilos up and down cannot be healthy in any sort of way. The fluctuation and stress it causes the body cannot be good in any way.
On no scale can I claim that I have a healthy relationship with myself, nor my body.
Why is that?
I am trying to understand my issue, and fix it. I deeply believe that this is more than just an issue with eating too much. Which obviously is an issue, but this fluctuation is due to something more.
I need to fix something, for this to work this time. Understanding what is wrong and how to heal or deal with it is the key to my success.
I am not calling it a holistic view out from nothing. I have to transform into a being that is more in line with herself.
I really enjoy analyzing myself, and I constantly do it. I have discovered one thing.
I cannot see myself.

Do not get me wrong. Of course, I can see myself, I do not think I am some sort of vampire who does not have a reflection in the mirror.

What I mean is- I cannot see how small or big I am. I just cannot.

I vividly remember how I used to ask, my now ex-husband about people and their bodies, to get a reference point.
Am I as big as her? What about this woman? Is this the size I am, what about that?

He would, understandably, get annoyed and thinking that I was just trying to tell that I was I was fishing a bit too often and much for compliments and wanting remarks about my incredible weight loss.
I was not; I honestly could not see my own body and how small it was. I just saw myself as fat and big.

This would shift though. At one point, I would realize that I had actually lost the weight, I was not pushing 100 kilos anymore. The notion had finally sunken in. Then when I started gaining weight came the same issue but opposite way.
I could not see my body again. Now my body was small. Now my body was skinny.
10 kilos extra on scale was an incorrect scale. I was still skinny. 20+ still skinny. 30+?
Yes you are right still- ok not skinny anymore, I had realized there had been some gain but not how much. I would look myself in the mirror and see a skinnier person.



I vividly remember the moment I realized I was not the smaller size me anymore. Like really realized it.
I was in an intimate situation with a man where I proudly proclaimed my victory over weight gain and how I had lost 30+ kilos.
I clearly remembering his surprised and really unbelieved eyes and the doubt in his voice.
– Aha OK, right.

That was it. The words and the doubt threw me off my pretend cloud and dropped me down in reality. I was fat again, and boy was I really fat. The scale had pendulum to 116 kilos and the gain was a true horrible fact.

This is not the first time though. Looking back, all my gains and losses has been like this. Me not realizing that I am losing or gaining. I cannot see my body for what it is. It is the same now. I know I have lost 20 kilos, but I cannot see it. Because I cannot see it, I dismiss all evidence that this is the truth.
And as happened in the past it will hit me, and from that moment I will identify as a smaller person, and I will not see the gain, that will creep up. And the never ending cycle is a fact.

Body Dysmorphia and What It is

” Body Dysmorphia Definition- Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD), or body dysmorphia, is a mental health condition where a person spends a lot of time worrying about flaws in their appearance. These flaws are often unnoticeable to others. People of any age can have BDD, but it’s most common in teenagers and young adults.”

I have been reading about Body Dysmorphia- read more here– and leaning towards this. I do not think it fits me really, as I do not obsess about it. Neither is it only about flaws. When I am smaller- I am really loving it!

So what can it be, that make me not able to see what I actually look like? I do not know. I will need to look more into this though as I really think this is what needs to be healed in order to be successful for the long run.

If you have suffered or are suffering from the same. Let me know what you did or are doing to heal from this.

Weight-loss Approach a La Manka

The constant question we all have! OK maybe not us all but we who want to shed it.

– How the F do we shed these bloody kilos?!

As mentioned before, this is not my first rodeo, I do wish it to be the last one. I know what I have done in the past and decided not to do the same.

“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”– Rita Mae Brown

So I am doing something new. Something I did not try before. It does not seem too strange of an idea according to me.

So what have I done in the past- so I know what not to do again?

1. Stopped eating all together– It is really effective but you cannot go doing that forever so might not be so clever.
2. On the same line- stopped eating everything “Unhealthy“, pasta, rice, potatoes, sugar, sweets, meat, bread, fat, you name it. I have stopped it all. This has only gotten me to ravenously craving just these types of food ending in me not being able to stop once I started again. And you always start to eat it again.
3. Super strict just to indulge over the weekend- whatever progress that I might have had was canceled out over the food I had over the weekend. 2 days of stuffing yourself with food and drinks can easily cancel out any good work over the weekend.
4. That one workout would validate overeating – But come on! I worked out, I can eat this second serving of pasta and a dessert on top of this. Add some sugar into my coffee already! Anything else needed to say?
5. One times a week moving would be enough– My sister only goes to gym once a week and she in slim. Why should I need more? Maybe because you are 40 kilos over, and she is not.

What is the Plan for this and final time around? – HOLISTIC

I really believe that if I do not work on all aspects of my life this will never work. I have used food to cover up a lot of insecurities and issues I have. Also for boredom and stress. I need to work on the stuff inside my head. I need to find a way of living that brings everything together, so I do not need to rely on food and sedentary life to survive.

1. Bringing my finances in order– I stress over this constantly. After I got divorced while living in South America I did not live on much. Many days I could not eat as I could not afford to buy food for both me and my daughter. So many Sundays I ransacked all my purses to see if I could find few bolivianos for transport to school and work. Energy for caring for myself when in financial stress is 0.
2. Moving on a regular basis- No, 1 time a week is not enough for a realistic weight loss for me. I do not believe so. Once weight is shed and I need to maintain, OK. Now, not. I need to make sure my expenditure is higher than my intake.
3. Consistency- No matter what, gain or loss or stale just keep doing what I am doing. It is working somewhat. Just do the grinding. I do feel honestly happier and better just doing it, even if at the moment nothing is happening.
4. Transparency to myself– Be honest about what I have eaten. During christmas I know I pretended I had not as much food as I actually had. Or as much sugar as I actually had. I need to be honest. Rules are not bad. Rules are OK. And it is needed to be followed and be honest about them. It is ok to not do it all the time but be honest about it. If I am not, how can I make any tweaks.
5. Finding hobbies- I get bored and I eat. Or I watch movies and series resulting in me not moving. I need to work on all elements to have a balanced life, where I feel I am worthy of success. I have dedicated 30 min a week for learning/trying new things to push myself into doing more things than just sitting on my ass.
6. Working with a trainer- I am going to take in a trainer again. I am not there yet to put myself into hard workouts and know what I need to do to improve with them. I have goals with my body and I do not know how to reach them. I have lived a sedentary life, how am I suppose to know myself what can be good or how to do it. Bring in help where help is needed.

That is my plan so far. I might add or remove- I shall see. I think it looks like I have made a thought out plan and idea of my LIFE, not just my weight. I have considered the aspect of the past and looked into how I can make it manageable now. I cannot continue on this path of 30-40+- fluctuation in weight. My body is hurting and aching.

What is your plan how to take control of your life?

Recent Photo Taken, 20 Kilos Down

Overindulging & Underperforming- What Not to Do On Weight loss

December has passed us now. I am more than happy about it.
The struggle is real! December came and I added on quite some extra work to cover Christmas. I am a freelancer and do not have paid holidays.
( Building a sinking fund for just this reason!)
So with extra work came fewer hours to work out. I know working out cannot cancel a bad diet, but I think my diet is pretty OK. Until. Well until it is not. For me these two things go hand in hand. I work out and I eat well. I do not work out, I eat badly.
I think that these two keep themselves accountable. But truth to be told, I am having a hard time with the 80% diet 20% exercise for weight loss. I grew up with 100% physical activity leads to weight loss, and it is a hard pill to swallow, this new data.

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Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

December and the Almighty Overindulging Month

December came and with the extra work, I started slipping with my diet. Overeating here, and overeating there.
” One thing sometimes is OK”
Of course- if it sometimes. My only problem has always been and will most probably always be:
The sometimes coming more and more often. This is exactly what happened. Eating a cookie more here, and a mayo potato salad here.
Maybe you want an extra serving of that my lady? – Well of course yes!

Training came less and less often.

Then I escaped to Barcelona for a week. The intention was of course good. I think that we got out 3 times in a 7 days trip. Only thing that I outdid all of that nice moving around with my eating and drinking.
You cannot outdo a bad diet with exercise, but what you for sure can do is outdo a good exercise with shitty eating!
From intermitted fasting to overindulging. Working-out 5-6 times a week till about 2-3. Not drinking alcohol to having it on a daily basis. None of this was really beneficial for me.

Then Came Christmas. Oh My Oh My


Potato salad, mayo, cookies, chocolate, eggnog, then some more cookies and potato salad. Then few more chocolates. NO and I mean NO walks or runs or work out. It was 3 to 4 days of absolutely nothing. Well, we had the fare share of Christmas fairytales. Movies hour after hour.
Me sleeping about every single day for about 10 hours straight and with a daily nap of about 2 hours.
How all my implemented measures and ways totally and utterly just crackled down on me. Not even pretending to do anything.
I do not like this idea, to “be good” and then have “cheat days” and after that repent and ” be back on track”. I just find it inherently wrong to have this idea about food, and exercise and any regimen you may have.
This lockdown was not doing anything easier either. We have to stay in from 9PM to 5AM. Curfew is killing any time in the evening to try to manage something.

I did all that I had set out not to do. Overindulged and underperformed.

I set it out as my goal and it totally fing failed. I am so disappointed. I am not going to pretend other. I let myself totally go and that is what I have set out not to do. I do not want to live this way of up and down and back and forth.
Overfill myself to after that starve myself and then just stuff, stuff, and then stuff myself. This is not healthy and doable. This is not how I do want to live. I do not want to just let every habit and thing I have built up, be crushed down and by no one else than me. I prefer something else. What I am not entirely sure of yet. But I know that if I will find peace with myself, I have to find a new way how to interact with food, activities, and the thoughts I have about them.

neon signage
Photo by Ivan Bertolazzi on Pexels.com

What Will You Do; 2021?

Soon the year is over. Really soon. In many ways this has been such a strange and weird year.
– The year of Corona.
I would lie though, if I said it has been a bad year for me. On a personal level this has been the best year in, like forever.
This year I started so many important changes and I have started a Journey I am pretty proud of. And I want to continue like that. One thing that has really helped me this year, has been lists. Amazingly helped me. Amazed me how small lists has helped me so much. The order it has made in my head has helped me to bring order in my life and with that reduced stress and with that made me make better choices and with that helping me to lose weight.
So I will continue with this, and bring you along with it.

  • Reading used to be a big part of me. It was basically all I wanted to do. The last 12 years it has been really little of this and 2020 I was able to mange 10. I will up it 50% and make it 15. I want to have “Self-improvement” “Financial” and the rest just “Novels”. I am quite excited about it!
  • In line with the type of books I want to read, I really need to work on my self love and acceptance. I am not perfect. I have certainty not been perfect and I will not be. I can work on accepting it and doing my best and striving to improve my best. But be happy and fine with anything. Love myself as I am, with flaws and everything.
  • I need to continue this trajectory of moving and working out. I am starting to see and feel real difference. Energy level, mental health level and physical level. I am happy I started this year, and I will continue no matter what. I want to particularly learn how to make a hand stand. I want to be able to run 5K in 30 min and 10K in just over the hour. I do not think that any of these are impossibilities. I want to keep the moving to about 5-6 times a week.
  • Life is about balance, it is so important. Life is about learning and continuing to improve ourselves as humans. I want to take this into account and work with it. To be able to grow I need to push myself and that is what I will do. I want to take on new hobbies and skills. Adding 30 min a week for new learning is a doable idea I think.
  • 2021 is the year I will start to invest, as in money. Money might not buy you happiness, but after my divorce and living in Bolivia without anything, I also know that not having money is not happiness either. I Need to have some cushion, if 2020 have taught us anything I think is this. Nothing is forever and everything can change in a blink of a moment. Financially I need to be prepared for this.

These are my goals and intentions for 2021. What do you have planned for 2021?

Let Us Try Some Non-Procrastination!

First of all- What does procrastination really mean?

  1. Be realistic! Have I not been doing all I should have done until now, a list with 10 items will most probably just stress me out. I work and have a child. What can actually really be done. 
  2. Time management- How long does a task really take? The enire task from start to finish.  Going and posting one letter might sound like a 10 min job, but geting dressed, walking there, standing in line, paying, walking back, will take more than the short 10 minutes I initially thought it would take. 
  3. Create a routine with when I should have them done by. It is nice to say I shall do this and that, but if I have no guidelines of by what time they need to be finished it is hard to see them done.
  4. Need to structure up the plan nicely. Make the plan nice looking. If I create a nicer look, I tend to work better. Not just some scribbled down words. Think Bullet journal!

These four things have I seen so far. I have only been in it for about one week, but could feel that this morning that these changes for success  needs to be done.  Let’s see if doing these changes can make the sick pit in my stomach going away.
I just know I need to get out of procrastination and into doing the stuff I want. A life without a plan is just a wandering around.
I do not want to just exist, Iwant to love and planning makes it happen.

Be My Own Accountability Coach- My Current Stats

This is me now. There has been a change for sure, from the first photo taken in May. I can see this when I see the photo. You can read more about it in my first blog post here. 

Sadly, can I not see this in real life. I just do not. I can sometimes feel it, as I do not struggle as much as I used to do. I have for sure lost a significant amount of weight. I can logically understand that, but visually do I have not under any circumstances see it.  I am looking into different reasons why I do not see it, not understand it and what it can be. 

What Are My Current Stats?

I am now at 97 Kilos, and at my heaviest weight I weighed in at 116, If I just get down one kilo more and I am down 20! 
I find it amazing that I have been able to do this. When you hear it, it sounds a lot. Like really a lot.
But I am somehow not aware of it. It is a struggle I have and something I need to look into. For me to live long-term with my weight loss I need to be aware of it. It is kind of imperative for the whole shebang. 

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The stats are not so great, but truth to be told not as bad as they use to be. And for this I am happy.
Not only this but I also have had:

  • high blood pressure,
  • blood sugar,
  • cholesterol,
  • plaque,
  • liver fats,
  • problems sleeping,
  • snoring,
  • pain in joints, back, knees,
  • phlegmy lungs,
  • irregular periods.

Moving Forward

This was just to mention some. I do have more and have had more issues than these. Being obese for long periods of life is not healthy, whatever people claim to say. 
This time around, I do not care that much how I look, of course, I care I am not going to pretend otherwise, but I want to really focus on how I feel. I need to transform my thinking from looks to needs. 
I am tired of feeling all the above. I am 35 and should not feel like I am about to die. 
I do not want anymore anxiety induced by food not having the health benefits for my body as I would want. 

Since I have begun losing weight, I have improved my blood pressure, and it is down to normal readings. I  no longer snore so I wake up my daughter, nor do I wake up with phlegm in my lungs, on a regular basis. I am on a really good trajectory! I just need to keep it up and going.
These weight loss changes are more than welcomed.  It is not easy to lose weight and it is very often a shitty road but I do think it is worth it. 
These are things I try to focus on when I cannot see the change. These are stats so much more important than looks. I am on a journey to health and balance. I want to continue this journey, a bit different than I have done until now. I need to look into a holistic view and to be good in all parts and not just a number on the scale.   

Accountability (9) Changes (7) Extreme Weight Loss (7) Finances (3) Financial Freedom (5) Financial Literacy (2) Financial Security (5) Fitness (4) Fitnessgoals (3) Fitness Goals (2) Health (3) Healthy Weight Loss (8) Holistic Life (18) Holistic Mindset (11) Holistic View (4) Holistic Weight loss (14) Journey (6) Life Diet (13) Life Goal (12) Life Journey (19) Life story (7) Life transformation (27) Living Life (4) Making changes (3) Mental Health (3) Mindful Weight loss (8) My Journey (21) My Story (12) My Transformation (13) New Beginnings (5) New life (9) Non Scale Victory (3) Obese (3) Overweight (9) Plans (8) Plans and Goals (4) Private Finances (5) Struggles (3) Transformation (12) Weight Loss (15) Weight loss Goals (9) Weight loss Journey (22) Weight loss Plan (8) Weight loss Strategy (7) Weight loss Struggles (11)

Weight Loss Journey- Transform My Life

Here I am again. This is not my first rodeo. Neither with blogging nor weight losing. I do not know how many times I have been on a weight-loss journey, for sure more than one. This shall be the last though. I have also been on and of the blogging journey capturing different parts of life. Never done it together. I need an accountability coach, I cannot afford one so I have to become my own. This blog will be just that.

Transformation of My Weight loss Journey

I am Maria AKA Manka. I desperately need to transform my life. I have started 6 months ago, but I find it really hard to keep it going. It started in May with a normal idea of losing weight and not caring too much more about this journey. During these 6 months, have I the feeling that I am morphing into something new though. This is not the first attempt, but I truly want and need it to be the last. I need to change my life for the better. I need something new.  The strangest thing is that I do not feel I need to force this transformation but the change has happened slowly and organically during the course of the months. The interesting part is that I do not have the notion that this is only about weight but a whole new life that is emerging. It is quite exciting and also bit uncomfortable.

Goals for Weight loss Transformation

There are many things I need to change with myself and my goals are many. I desperately need to lose weight. I also need to change my life in regards to my finances. They stress me out which results in weight gain. I need to drastically change my life as my body is falling apart. My vitals are no good, with high everything you can have high. I have reduced blood pressure quite a lot, and I do give that to my weight loss. Shedding kilos has helped shedding pressure. I need a holistic and mindful weight loss. I need to incorporate all aspects and parts of my life. Not only tackle my amounting number of kilos as a separate part of this transformation. All aspects of life, which stress me, or bores me which results in weight gain need to be addressed. I will win this weight loss transformation! I need to get down to an overweight number, as I am technically obese at the moment with a BMI of 38. Starting weight from the very start was 116 Kilos. First Goal 90 kilos Eng Goal 70-80 Kilos

How Will I Do This Weight loss Plan?

I do not really know. I am no expert in this. I just know I need the change. Take control of my life and win this thing. Join me in the quest for happiness, stability, financial independence and everything else that is needed for a holistic and mindful weight loss, where all parts of the puzzle need to be in order for a sustainable change.