Life Is Suffering; It Does Not Mean We Should Suffer

I think we all have been there. Me for sure. More than once. Repeatedly time. The wallowing in pain and suffer. Feeling like you are about to suffocate from the despair you exhibit.
The pain of unmounted levels and the feeling that nothing is interesting anymore.
It seems like many of us, if not all, have been there or are there. Again, me included.  The idea of living without pain and suffering has been impossible. Almost offensive to me, when presented.
How on earth would anyone be anything else than pain and suffering. Life is not fair, and the sheer thought of that statement, that life is not fair, is painful in itself.

It would aggravate me and offend me. As if all my collective suffering would be greater than anyone else suffering.
It seemed as well as it was this what life was about. Endless pain and no happiness in sight.
Why would everyone work against me and my happiness? If people could just act and be so I could feel happy.
It was in fact everyone else faults the whole debacle of pain and suffering.

Really mean people!

After my most recent meeting with hello darkness my old friend though, I had the good fortune to be around a friend who took me into a new train of thoughts, and on that have I built something new.

Buddhists believe that suffering is part of life, to be expected, and that if a person experiences pain calmly, without becoming emotionally distressed, he can attain greater states of being.

Life Is Suffering; It Does Not Mean We Should Suffer

What is then the difference between these two statements?

Looking at it from a language standpoint we have a thing: Suffering and we have an action: To suffer.

One is an observation we can say and one is the action we are doing.

I can observe that life around me is suffering. It is. I will not take that away from anyone.
My divorce was inherently painful.  Living as a single mom without proper salary and the stress it put on me was also huge suffering.  Me ending up in the hospital at the mental ward as I totally burned out from the suffering.

Life is suffering. It is. It is painful to live and most of the things that we endeavor are painful. It is not fair and a lot of times are we treated unfairly. We do things we do not want and are pushed to people we do not maybe like because we are in a position that we cannot do anything else. 
These are all sufferings. They are hard and painful things that happen.

I can also observe how I act.
There are big events happening in life from which we cannot escape. I was getting a divorce was; I was going to live on air and bread from now on.

I acted it.

I went into it with all the pain that one can imagine.  Before I had my mental breakdown, after moving back to Prague and Europe, I lived in stress and agony and pain. I wallowed in my pittieness and whenever something positive came my way, I immediately dismissed it.
It would not make any difference anyhow, as my suffering was bigger than anyone else. Mine made sense and I had no other option than to live like this. In this. Unless maybe all people around me started to act in the way so I could stop feeling pain or that all bad things happening would stop happening.
Then it all would be OK.


Here is where I truly think I was wrong. And so many like me. We live the suffer instead of being trajected by it.

There is a difference between a thing and an action.  We can observe and then we can choose.

Before Life Transformation
dav

Then What? A Life With Suffering; Without Pain

Pain is a basic instrument for our body signaling that something is wrong. The suffering is there. You feel pain. Now what we have to do is to remove it.
That is the purpose of suffering. To overcome it and to act on it. If we do not act on it, we stay in the state of suffering and we begin to suffer.
We begin to see the world as a black, dark and lonely place. Very often blaming others for their good fortune and how we cannot have the same. As we are suffering.

Believe me, I have done this. Over and over and then again over.

In the last years, after my collapse, I decided to live a life not in suffer. It has really not been easy and I have slipped up many times and wondered if this is really the path to walk.
To see the suffering, acknowledge it, and move on. This is what I am doing. Even more so the last year.
I decided that I was done feeling like the world was about to crumble. I had just had enough.
So small changes at first. I decided to everyday work on myself; to become a little bit stronger and a little bit better version of myself than I was yesterday.
I reconciled with the idea, that I will have struggles and hardships for the rest of my life.

This is what life consists of so why try to escape it.

The funny part is, that once I reconciled with that idea, and that happiness is not the ultimate goal but removal of pain is; a lot of pain disappeared.
So after deciding that every day I should be a bit better, I had to look at the things that brought me too much pain and clinically look at it and remove it.

I just had to do, whatever I needed to do, to be able to observe something and see it for what it was and make changes.
because that is what suffering is telling you to do. Change. Evolve. Move forward.
It has been everything. Jobs. Friends. Hobbies. Dreams. 
it is hard as f**k to start with, as everything is at the beginning. Everything has a learning curve. Am I doing the right thing? What if I make a mistake in what I think is right?

Well, if one action or situation or person or whatever gives you the same feeling over and over or we do the stupidest things that we feel ashamed of. Anxiety about. Stress from.
There sherlock, that is your cue. You are in pain and you need to honor that sign and do something about it.
And the amazing part is, that if we for some reason see that what I thought was the right thing to do in the end was not. We can always do something about that too. I am not saying it will be easy, not at first. Just as nothing is easy at first. Remember when I was going to go for my first run and I failed after about 10 meters.
This is just the same.
I run 10 kilometers today. You can as well if you are willing to change and do the work.


My Fully Funded Emergency Fund!

As some might have understood by now, I think finances are a really important part of life.
I believe it is imperative to have my finances in order to be able to keep my emotions in check and therefore not do the emotional eating things I have going on.
I have struggled a great deal with my finances, and about 1.5 years ago I decided that enough was enough and decided to make changes for me to get some financial stability, stop living paycheck to paycheck and ultimately reach financial freedom. You can read more about it there.
Today I am celebrating a big milestone for myself.

My fully funded emergency fund!

What Is a Emergency Fund?

It seems like the word emergency fund has a different meaning for different people.
I will tell you what is my meaning for it.

The term “emergency fund” refers to money stashed away that people can use in times of financial distress.

https://www.investopedia.com/terms/e/emergency_fund.asp

At first, I thought of an emergency fund as monthly income and I just could not understand how I was going to save up to 4-6 months of monthly take-home pay, that would take me year to save up monthly take-home pays.
I have really left that notion and put different definition to the word.

Emergency means just that, it is an emergency. What do we do when in an emergency. We need to make sure that our basic needs are covered for. Not the extra charcuteries or nicer coffee.
For me I decided that these four things would be my base of my fund:

  • Housing
    • Food
    • School
    • Transport

I went thought my budget tracking for the past 6 months and looked what my cost had been for these categories were.
This amount is what I needed to save up to create my emergency fund.

Why Do You Need a Emergency Fund?

For me, emergency fund will not be used for leaving for vacation; buying clothes; getting a bike or whatever things you can imagine.
These are saved for in my sinking funds. Read about my sinking funds here.
Emergency fund is exactly for what is sounds like.

Emergencies.

Emergencies will come. That is the only thing I really know. Flatmate moving out; job getting canceled; health problems or something else unexpected happening.
These are the reasons I was so focused on getting the fund, funded. I have had quite a lot of emergencies happening to me and I have felt like one step from total disaster.
Money can not bring you happiness they say, but I am for sure more calm and happy with the knowledge that I have this money on my bank account.
I have gained such a calm knowing that I have what I need to live OK for 6 months without any other extra income.

6 Months. No other money coming in.

I struggled to live from one day to next, in the past. I am so relieved now. Such a weight lifted from my shoulders.
It also gives me a freedom to say NO. I do not need to say say anymore to everything that comes my way, workwise. I can pick in a different way, as I do not need it to survive today.
I am surviving already. I wish for everyone to have this feeling. I wish for everyone to have this security and the best thing is: if I can do it, anyone can.

Am I Done with My Financial Journey Now?

Not even a little bit.

I am a freelancer and that comes with benefits but as with everything also some drawbacks.
One of them is my pension. I will basically not have any, unless I work for it myself.
No state coming to rescue me.
I will need to work to get it myself and I am not planning to be a poor pensioner. I am not. I have done poor, and I am planning a different future.
As I am single, I will also need to have a look in the mirror regarding housing. I know I will not be able to rent, once I am a pensioner and I know I need to do something regarding that. For that I need money.

I am not only thinking about my future though. I really want other people to have it good, and I want to be able to give more than I am able to do now.
I want to work improving other single parents lives. I need to have enough to be able to give and share so that others who are not in the same situation can seek help somewhere.

I have plans and these includes money, so my financial journey has just begun.

Photo by Anna Nekrashevich on Pexels.com

If I Skip It Once I Should Just Skip It Forever- Why?

This is me. In so many aspects of my life and it really frustrates me. I do not understand where it comes from and why I have it. It is not procrastination, as I do have issue with that as well.
So what am I talking about?

I am on a roll. It can be whatever. Exercise, writing, reading, learning.
Now lately it was this- writing.
I said to myself that I want to have a plan of creating a post every 3 days. I think it is the track I can follow. I think that making more post a week will water down the blog. I will not try to make nice writing, make some sense in my writing, and I will be just stressed by it. I do this for fun and love of writing and not because I want fame or money.
I do want people to read, as I honestly think people can benefit from my words. But that is the point.

So every 3 days, to keep some track and so readers feels that it is enough of post coming and knowing that there is something new coming up.
It makes sense.

What happened to the plan?

Nothing. And this is what happened. It was not procrastination.
The definition of it is this:
Trouble persuading yourself to do the things you should do or would like to do. When you procrastinate, instead of working on important, meaningful tasks, you find yourself performing trivial activities.

I have read about it over there : What is Procrastination And it is not what I did.

So came the day of posting my blog. I had it planned. I had a topic, I had photos I had the text done in my head. It was just to write it. It was not that I did something else instead. It was just a busy busy day.
I am single mom, in a lockdown pandemic and I do have a lot to do. So Tuesday last week came and it went.
And that is the problem.
I did not do it due to procrastination, I did it due to life. Life came in the way and I had no time.

The Voice in my head then goes like

You will not have time tomorrow either. It will be really busy and you have too much to do anyhow. The day after that as well. And then Friday comes and you have a plan already then and you will not fit this blogpost in. There is no time. And then it has already been 6 days since the last post, and then you have ruined your plan of blogging every 3rd day.
People will not be interested in someone who is wishy washy with their publications. So then it makes no sense writing one and it is better to just skip it all together.

This is not just about blogging.

It is about everything.

  • I skip my language learning for 1 day and I feel it is pointless to even do it the next day, as I have failed myself once and now it is all ruined.
  • I do not do my exercise for 1 day and the same story again.
  • Not eating right, guess what? I do not need to do it again as I ruined it for ONE FING day.
Photo by Alexas Fotos on Pexels.com
this is not working anymore

In the past I have maybe been comforted by this. So this has might been helpful for me in the past, as I felt overwhelmed by life and I was trying so many things and struggling to get anything of the table so it was a helpful habit. Negative but actually still helpful.
I did not really want to grow. That is the only idea I have about it.
– Why else?

The things is though. I really want to grow now. I have a urge and ambition to go somewhere in life. Not professionally but personally. I want to become better and evolve. I have this feeling of being stuck as the same persona and I need to move on.
This habit is really not working for me anymore. It is so engraved in me though, that it is extremely hard to change. As I do not know what it is. It destroys so much in its way. It leaves me so unproductive and almost lethargic.
It frustrates the hell out of me. I want to go somewhere in life. I have plan in action and retrospectives and reviewing what I am doing. Daily planning etc etc.
So why do I feel that if I ship it once, I should just keep skipping it?

Why do I reinforce this? What do I keep on feeding myself this stupid stupid idea?

Moving forward?

I do not know. I am happy I did write this post, as in my head I had abandoned this blog and it was a story of the past.
As so many times before.
As I mentioned before, this is not my first blog rodeo and the mentioned reason has been the only reason why I have stopped in the past. Nothing else.
Failing my language learning has only been due to this. I have been over it for ages already but I just do not seem to change it on a profound level and I do not know what to do.

All I know it just has to change.

January Has Come to and End- How Did I do- Life Transformation

I am a Agile Coach, not working as it but have certification in it. I really got hooked on it, as it is so structured and as my life was fundamentally unstructured it was great for me.
One thing I really like in Agile is the idea with retrospectives.
So what is a retrospective? Simply put it is this:

What went well?
What did not go so well?
WHAT CAN I DO DIFFERENT TO MOVE FORWARD?

You obviously need to have a look at your sprint plan and what was the stories that you planned to have finished.
So that is what we are doing today! January sprint is over today so let’s have a look.

So what was the print plan?

What was the plan of the month?

  1. Read on average 1.5 books
  2. Working on my self-love
  3. Keep putting my health first– meaning mindful eating, and work out a min of 5 times a week.
  4. Working on my Czech, a min of 4 times x 30 min a week.
  5. Keep budgeting and adding investing.
  6. Learn something new or improve an a skill, ideas such as an instrument, drawing, handicraft, sewing, on the amount of min 30 min per week.

WHAT WENT WELL?

  1. I did read a book- Good Omen.
  2. Have said no to people I do not want to deal with anymore and work I do not want to be a part of.
  3. Kept the min of 5 times as week. I have done a mix of work out, to my ability in this lock-down world we are living in. I did my fastest and longest run so far.
  4. I did work on my Czech in various books and have spoken at home as well.
  5. I am budgeting, tracking and I added etoro so now I am investing too, which now is divided between two stocks and one cryptocurrency.
  6. I did work on an SEO course.

WHAT DID NOT GO SO WELL?

  1. Had hard time to make the time for this. I read on my phone and I did not like that so much.
  2. I made the task very vague so I find it hard to really see what I need to do in order to work on it.
  3. I cannot really say anything that did not go so well. I have done the best I could do with my abilities in this situation.
  4. I could have been better speaking at home. I do not leave the home very much as we are in lock-down so there are not so many other places to work on it right now.
  5. I have done all what I can do at the moment.
  6. This one I could have worked much more with. The SEO course was quite shit, so I cannot say I learned anything new. I could have worked on sewing and drawing which is free as I have the tools.

WHAT CAN I DO DIFFERENT TO MOVE FORWARD?

  1. Bring the book in my bag as I do not like reading on the phone. Add 30 min before bed. I do enjoy reading.
  2. To make it clearer. What does really self-love mean? I need to rework this plan in general.
  3. That I can do much more than I believe. I can measure more for the future.
  4. 30 min 4 x a week is really doable so I think I will just leave it like this for now and make no changes for following month.
  5. Make a clearer plan in how I want to invest and how much. Write it down so I can see what I am actually investing in and for.
  6. This one is my absolute worst one. I can add much more time. I do a lot of brainless scrolling where I could work on something new instead.

In general I am quite happy with the month. I am quite excited of what February will do for me.
How are your plans and resolutions going so far?

A Day in a Random Non-famous Persons Life

I know everyone claims that the personal blog is D E A D and all we want to read is blog articles about one subject over and over again. From 500 different angles and then do it all from the start again, when all the angles have been covered.
Unless you are rich and famous and we want to indulge and envy their life.

You know what? I do not C A R E.

I enjoy writing, have always done, and guess I always will. I have also always had this feeling of wanting to be heard and tell a story. So- Voila! Here we are. So here are photos from my lovely day today. Just me, Manka , a random non-famous or rich person who just wants to share life.

07.30 AM– I do not eat until lunchtime, so for me my morning coffee is so special. I love coffee but I try to only have this one. My sleep really get compromised if I drink more. So this one cup is quite holy for me.

8.05 Am– As we are in lockdown, my daughter has basically not been in school since March, I need to find things to keep her and my life as “normal” as possible. I try to take her out 3 times for proper training and then the rest of the days just to be outside. I need her to have great routines from small already. I bought a basketball yesterday and we tried it out today.
It was a hit.

02.30 PM– I live in Czech Republic, but I am not from here. I did move here 2008 but never got around to learn the language. 2014 I moved with my then husband and daughter to Bolivia which went straight to hell and I came back 2018 with my daughter. I made a promise to learn how to speak it. It has not really happened so much. Making it happen I made the decision to study 4 times a week for about 30 min. Today was one of those day!

04.00 PM – Before daylight is over for today, I went outside. I try to walk for a minimum of 1 hour a day. I think it is really important right now especially as it is dark already at 5 PM and as we have to be home from 9 PM.
I try to head out with someone so I can keep up with them. I do not enjoy speaking with them over chats or messages.

My neighborhood!

And now it is 07.10 PM and I am finishing this off. I have obviously worked too but took no picture of that. Will have to be for next time. And yes there will be a next time.
I do not care about the idea that blogging is dead, or that no one wants to read my personal journey. Well I do this for the few who do wants to read. And for me!
And I do believe that somewhere there are people missing this equally as much as I.
I am so tired of reading the blogs from the rich and famous. I cannot relate. I do not want to read blogs only talking and writing 500 articles about how to do keto.

So I will do this my way. Whatever people say 🙂

Newfound Energy and a Premonition of a Future Life

“What has been the biggest personal change this past year?”

Everything! Is has immensely changed in some ways. And you know. I love it!

I have been and am struggling with both physical health as well as mental, and 2019 was quite terrible in many ways.
I came into 2020 thinking I would change, but I did not. – Of course.

March and Covid came and I think that was my real butt kicker. I knew that if I would get it, it would be it. I would not make it and that has been a huge revelation.
35 and not believing to survive a disease. What the hell is that. It is out of this world. Unreal but really really real for me.

I remember the idea of what I wanted to do and feel. How my idea of living meant. I had this urge and longing of living in a different way which I have felt for many years but never done anything about. The idea that it is too late anyhow. I am 35 and it is too late to do any change. I have screwed up so many years of my life anyhow, so what is the point anyhow.
I think the urge and longing won over those thought of it being too late.

Why do I say so?

I say this as I had such a active weekend. We went sledding and I went running and then I went walking and had some more sledding on that.

I realize that I have started to really live that life what I was urging and longing for. It is no longer an idea of something I want to do, but something I am really doing. And I realized that I both enjoyed it and I had the energy for it. In spring, when Covid first hit, I would try to do these things and the excruciating loss of energy and pain stopped me to do quite some things.
What should I skip doing to manage the things I really wanted to do. What would I need not not doing, to have the energy to do the things I wanted to do.

This weekend I realized that I have that energy now. I am living that dream life a bit more everyday. I can do so much more things. I have energy left in the end of the day. I can move better and easier.
And this is only 8 months of work– imagine what will come in the following 8 months as I will stay equally or more committed to this Life Work of mine. That idea of handstand, cartwheel, pushups, free running, good blood work, pressure and less medication is not a world away.
It is in my world now.

I am already living it, I will just keep moving and I will get there.

What Will You Do; 2021?

Soon the year is over. Really soon. In many ways this has been such a strange and weird year.
– The year of Corona.
I would lie though, if I said it has been a bad year for me. On a personal level this has been the best year in, like forever.
This year I started so many important changes and I have started a Journey I am pretty proud of. And I want to continue like that. One thing that has really helped me this year, has been lists. Amazingly helped me. Amazed me how small lists has helped me so much. The order it has made in my head has helped me to bring order in my life and with that reduced stress and with that made me make better choices and with that helping me to lose weight.
So I will continue with this, and bring you along with it.

  • Reading used to be a big part of me. It was basically all I wanted to do. The last 12 years it has been really little of this and 2020 I was able to mange 10. I will up it 50% and make it 15. I want to have “Self-improvement” “Financial” and the rest just “Novels”. I am quite excited about it!
  • In line with the type of books I want to read, I really need to work on my self love and acceptance. I am not perfect. I have certainty not been perfect and I will not be. I can work on accepting it and doing my best and striving to improve my best. But be happy and fine with anything. Love myself as I am, with flaws and everything.
  • I need to continue this trajectory of moving and working out. I am starting to see and feel real difference. Energy level, mental health level and physical level. I am happy I started this year, and I will continue no matter what. I want to particularly learn how to make a hand stand. I want to be able to run 5K in 30 min and 10K in just over the hour. I do not think that any of these are impossibilities. I want to keep the moving to about 5-6 times a week.
  • Life is about balance, it is so important. Life is about learning and continuing to improve ourselves as humans. I want to take this into account and work with it. To be able to grow I need to push myself and that is what I will do. I want to take on new hobbies and skills. Adding 30 min a week for new learning is a doable idea I think.
  • 2021 is the year I will start to invest, as in money. Money might not buy you happiness, but after my divorce and living in Bolivia without anything, I also know that not having money is not happiness either. I Need to have some cushion, if 2020 have taught us anything I think is this. Nothing is forever and everything can change in a blink of a moment. Financially I need to be prepared for this.

These are my goals and intentions for 2021. What do you have planned for 2021?