Quarter Review of My Weight loss and Life Transformation

3 Moths has come and gone already. 2021 is shooting forward, and time could not be flying slower and faster at the same time.
So many things I want to do and there is no time for it, yet as there is nothing open the time runs extremely slow.
An oxymoron I know.
As you can see, that looking at my weight and body I have not changed for the positive. But it is OK,
I love to look in the rearview mirror and evaluate my life.
If we do not look back at what has been, reflect and ponder upon what was, we cannot move forward.
Or as you would refer to it in Agile and Scrum, to hold a retrospective.
What to ask oneself in a retrospective is:

  • What went well in the Sprint?
  • What went wrong in the Sprint?
  • What We had Learn in the Sprint?
  • What should we do differently in the next sprint?

Why on earth am I speaking about Agile and Sprints, well funny fact I am a certified Scrum Master, hence the reference.
I do think that they are really good questions and if we want to succeed in life we have to ask these things.
My Sprint refers to the 3 first months in 2021.

What Went Well In My Weight Loss and Life Transformation?

Due to the lockdown we went into in October, being harder than what we experienced April through July, I had to quite my PT.
I was really scared going into new year, with keeping my consistency in working out. I know working out is not that much related to weight loss, but I want to transform life and keep a healthier life.
What I am really proud about is that I have kept the consistency and I went running 3 times a week on average and 2 times of homework outs.

I started journaling and list making and it has been imperative for me. It has structured down and visualized the issues I am dealing with. Seeing it on paper has been great for me.
In conjunction to this I have made a list to do of the day, and it really has kept me pushing myself forward. So many things were finally taken care of and I have felt that I was not stagnated in one spot.

Writing down my feelings and reactions to things, really have made me realized what I want and directing my life towards that life. Not just saying it, but actually working towards it. Being more intentional with my feelings and writing them down, has helped me healing in my eating disorder.

The plan in finding a hobby has been quite successful and I have been drawing, practicing my handwriting, and working on my math skills has all been so awarding. These are all things I want to put more time into.
It feels like my life took a big leap these three months.

What Went Wrong in My Weight loss and Life Transformation?

Nothing everything went perfect.
Has no one honest ever said.

My eating habits went a bit off these three months. I did give myself a bit more free room than I actually needed.
It has been great, tp start healing from my unhealthy eating habits but in doing so I gave myself a little bit too much wiggle room for eating things which is not beneficial for me.
It is good to let yourself rest a bit, but I should still keep my eyes on the ball and not feel like I have crossed the finished line. I still have 15 kilos which is considered over weight. I understand that scale is not all. But You can see in the photos that I am in no mean average weight still.

I could for sure have added more daily activity into my life. There has been cold and dark and March is hell month for me.
Come on winter, go away already! The panic I feel every single year.
Will winter ever end? Will spring and warmer weather come? Maybe this is the year when eternal winter will prevail.
This breaks me down and keeps me paralyzed. Keeping myself active is really helpful for me, dealing with this. And I have not done that. I have not done all the walk I should have done, just to keep myself not just sitting. As sitting makes me feel this hell, which March is.

Consistency in general has been a weak point, except me working out. It has been hard trying to keep the schedule I wanted to do. It seemed I forgot I have a kid that wants to see me, and me who want to see her too.
I think that I did a lot of work, feeling exhausted afterwards, feeling I needed to get out from home, being alone was all I could deal with. So that was really not positive at all.

What Have I Learned in My Weight Loss and Life Transformation?

I have learned, OK not learned but I have realized what are my goals. What do I really want out of life.
This is amazing! Journaling and working with myself and learning how to deal with feelings has cleared my head and I am realizing what I want.
I am seeing what is standing in my way, and I am learning not to be apologetic for it.
I have not always put myself nor my small family first, and this is absolutely shit. I have let people pressure me into doing things, which has not been beneficial for me nor my kid. I have done this, as I am so scared of being left alone and done anything just for people to like me.
I started this change already last year, but these last 3 months has been really great for this.
I will no longer be pushed into something I do not think is beneficial for me or my daughter. I have several goals and only to stay on track will they come true, and if someone can not deal with my change, I cannot do anything about it.
I am finding my voice again and it is amazing.

I am so capable of doing so much.
I have survived moves from country to country. Continent to continent. Divorce, poverty, lonelytude, depression, alienation, singlehood, parenthood, obesity, mental illness, death.
My adversity is my strength. If I can manage to drag myself up from all, anyone can. And I want to right there helping doing just that.
I have gone though this fairly alone but I have had some amazing support as well of course. I want to be that sort of support.

Searching for hobbies and interest has opened the door to a world that I feel has been lost for such a long time. I am interested in so many things again. I am so much more than what I have let myself be, for long time.


What Should I Do Differently These Following 3 Months in My Weight loss and Transformation?

To keep my good habits, which I felt were sliding a bit. I know they are really positive for me.
I have gotten a trainer, so I can work on some fitness goals I have had in mind and I need help hitting.
I need to do positive affirmations to keep myself on track for a transformed life.
I want to voice my voice more. If I do not feel something is positive for me, I need to do something about it.
Pragmatism. That is my lead word. I know it can be tough on friends and family, but I have just one life.
I want it to be awesome the rest I have.
It will happen with progression, not perfection.

Photo by Gabby K on Pexels.com

Stop Living Paycheck to Paycheck- Working Towards Financial Security

Living paycheck to paycheck: For many, this act of using most or all of your monthly income to cover your monthly expenses — with no money left over and none for savings — is a fact of life.” – Read more here

Photo by Karolina Grabowska on Pexels.com

I used to have huge problems with my personal finances. Especially after my divorce. I spiraled down into this black place of borrowed money and panic over paying rent. 
I once had a washing machine dysfunction and my entire flat was covered in water, leaking down to my neighbors. I ran to the janitor in the building complex to fix it. He had to turn off water in the building and to turn it on, I needed to repair the connection with my washer. It cost 200 Bolivianos, 30 dollars or 25 euros. 
I did not have it. 
This was not the last time something like that happened, but at one point in life I was exhausted by this. Exhausted by living one small accident from chaos. One tiny incident away from eviction. I had to do something. 

How to Not to Budget and Failing to Keep On Track

This is my first-ever budget. It is not a fancy program that you connect to an app that is connected to your bank account. I had KISS in mind.

Keep It Short and Simple. 

There was no point in adding fancy things and complicating it. I needed it as simple as possible, to actually do it and be successful. I have more categories now, and few more tabs now. Tracking all kinds of different things.  
And truth to be told, even this was too boring and complicated and the first 2 months I did not really know what the heck I was doing and mostly did I not do it.
I added some arbitrary number ideas to my excel sheet, expecting it all to come together. Deciding I would spends this and that amount on this and that category.I had really no idea what I had previously spent, but it sounded great to spend 100 euro on food. That is about right, right? 
It was all just a mess and I felt many times I would be better off just stopping. I kept on though and practice become the master.  At this point it was Youtube and blogs I watched and read to understand what I needed to do. 

 And with this structures and processes happened. It helped me understand how I can budget, with my type of income, better. I am a freelancer and I get paid a bit all over the month, so it is hard to think about my paycheck as my monthly income. I want the money to work for me, not me for my money. I need to create the life I want with my money. If I do not want to spend 100 Euro on money, why should I put this arbitrary number into my budget? 

Realizing that a budget is not one thing fits all was the big thing that helped me. I can make it do and work for me, how I need to to work.

One Effective Way to Budget to Make the Money Work For You.

Instead of budget for future money, and adding in some random numbers into random categories I decided to budget with the current money I have. I decided to go from 15-15 each month, and everything that was leftover would be treated as extra money and be added to savings and anything that came into my account after the cut-off date would be counted as the new month’s money. I also decided to only budget the money I actually had received and not money that would come in. 
I also sat down and looked where I wanted to go in life. What were my life and financial priorities.  When these were defined I looked if they were actually in my budget and what amount did I assign to this priority. 

I wanted health and active activities, but I, in my budget had 0 allocated for this. So I always felt short of money doing just this. On the other hand, did I have a HUGE category which was for entertainment and drinks.
Where were my real priorities?  All this is crucial to define. This can obviously change over the course of time, and I look at this every month. What do I want to do? What is my focus this month?
Having these defined I set up the plan on how to allocate the money received and nothing else. 

 

  • I have only received two payments this month and it is only these two I will budget out
  • The most crucial expenses are listed out and how much I need to pay for these. If these are paid first, I know that my obligations are fulfilled and I can sleep better at night.
  • You budget clothes and no food? I have a full fridge for another week and I know there is coming in more money for this, in one week. And I have to get snow protective clothes for my kid! This is what I mean by having the money work for me. Why put money in a food category if I do not need it now?
  •  After paying them, tracking them just by adding them to the right category.
  • When I get a new payment I will add this into the budget and give the money a job in the categories I feel and know needs to be contributed to. 

This way I have a clear view of what I can actually afford and not and at what time. 

Will This Make You Reach Financial Freedom?

Absolutely not. 
This is the first change and decision I made to create a better financial life and stop the vicious cycle of living paycheck to paycheck. Creating wealth and financial freedom is a lot of work, but one has to start with the first step.  It was far easier and better than I could ever have excepted.
It is now clear and obvious what I have to pay, what I want to cover, and how to get the money create the life I want. 
This has resulted in far less stress and anxiety which has left me with a feeling of relief that I did not for many years. This order in my finances created the space how to add new levels to my money and make them work even
It is sometimes strange not to stress over my finances and the disorder it used to be in. Strange but amazing more for me. 
Overeating and stuffing myself due to poor financial control is no longer my problem.
This is why it is so important to have a holistic view of weight loss, as it is all connected. NO machinery works well without all its bolts and gears. 

Fat to Skinny and Back- Body Dysmorphia- Is This What I am Suffering From?

I have been an extreme weight pendulum for almost as long as I know.
The first time I shed a substantial amount of weight was in my teens. I think I was 13 almost pushing 100 kilos and over the course of one summer got myself down to the higher 70s.
That was all regained in few years.

The next time I was around 18, leaving high school and again I started around 100 kilos and got myself down to a really low number in the higher 60s. I am 174 so for me, that was a really low number.
All regained in few years.

Now I had had a baby and for the first time had I crossed the 100 kilo mark, and beyond. I vividly remember standing on the scale showing 105 kilos thinking it must just be something inherently wrong with the scale. It went most probably even higher because after that I did not stand on a scale again for a long time and I know for sure I gained some. Before losing it and I shed quite a bit.
Same story again- regained it all.

My Incapability to See Me and Myself In a Body

And now I am here again. 116 Kilos and pushing for a weight loss. I desperately need a different outcome.
The weight gain has to stop.
30-40 kilos up and down cannot be healthy in any sort of way. The fluctuation and stress it causes the body cannot be good in any way.
On no scale can I claim that I have a healthy relationship with myself, nor my body.
Why is that?
I am trying to understand my issue, and fix it. I deeply believe that this is more than just an issue with eating too much. Which obviously is an issue, but this fluctuation is due to something more.
I need to fix something, for this to work this time. Understanding what is wrong and how to heal or deal with it is the key to my success.
I am not calling it a holistic view out from nothing. I have to transform into a being that is more in line with herself.
I really enjoy analyzing myself, and I constantly do it. I have discovered one thing.
I cannot see myself.

Do not get me wrong. Of course, I can see myself, I do not think I am some sort of vampire who does not have a reflection in the mirror.

What I mean is- I cannot see how small or big I am. I just cannot.

I vividly remember how I used to ask, my now ex-husband about people and their bodies, to get a reference point.
Am I as big as her? What about this woman? Is this the size I am, what about that?

He would, understandably, get annoyed and thinking that I was just trying to tell that I was I was fishing a bit too often and much for compliments and wanting remarks about my incredible weight loss.
I was not; I honestly could not see my own body and how small it was. I just saw myself as fat and big.

This would shift though. At one point, I would realize that I had actually lost the weight, I was not pushing 100 kilos anymore. The notion had finally sunken in. Then when I started gaining weight came the same issue but opposite way.
I could not see my body again. Now my body was small. Now my body was skinny.
10 kilos extra on scale was an incorrect scale. I was still skinny. 20+ still skinny. 30+?
Yes you are right still- ok not skinny anymore, I had realized there had been some gain but not how much. I would look myself in the mirror and see a skinnier person.



I vividly remember the moment I realized I was not the smaller size me anymore. Like really realized it.
I was in an intimate situation with a man where I proudly proclaimed my victory over weight gain and how I had lost 30+ kilos.
I clearly remembering his surprised and really unbelieved eyes and the doubt in his voice.
– Aha OK, right.

That was it. The words and the doubt threw me off my pretend cloud and dropped me down in reality. I was fat again, and boy was I really fat. The scale had pendulum to 116 kilos and the gain was a true horrible fact.

This is not the first time though. Looking back, all my gains and losses has been like this. Me not realizing that I am losing or gaining. I cannot see my body for what it is. It is the same now. I know I have lost 20 kilos, but I cannot see it. Because I cannot see it, I dismiss all evidence that this is the truth.
And as happened in the past it will hit me, and from that moment I will identify as a smaller person, and I will not see the gain, that will creep up. And the never ending cycle is a fact.

Body Dysmorphia and What It is

” Body Dysmorphia Definition- Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD), or body dysmorphia, is a mental health condition where a person spends a lot of time worrying about flaws in their appearance. These flaws are often unnoticeable to others. People of any age can have BDD, but it’s most common in teenagers and young adults.”

I have been reading about Body Dysmorphia- read more here– and leaning towards this. I do not think it fits me really, as I do not obsess about it. Neither is it only about flaws. When I am smaller- I am really loving it!

So what can it be, that make me not able to see what I actually look like? I do not know. I will need to look more into this though as I really think this is what needs to be healed in order to be successful for the long run.

If you have suffered or are suffering from the same. Let me know what you did or are doing to heal from this.

Be My Own Accountability Coach- My Current Stats

This is me now. There has been a change for sure, from the first photo taken in May. I can see this when I see the photo. You can read more about it in my first blog post here. 

Sadly, can I not see this in real life. I just do not. I can sometimes feel it, as I do not struggle as much as I used to do. I have for sure lost a significant amount of weight. I can logically understand that, but visually do I have not under any circumstances see it.  I am looking into different reasons why I do not see it, not understand it and what it can be. 

What Are My Current Stats?

I am now at 97 Kilos, and at my heaviest weight I weighed in at 116, If I just get down one kilo more and I am down 20! 
I find it amazing that I have been able to do this. When you hear it, it sounds a lot. Like really a lot.
But I am somehow not aware of it. It is a struggle I have and something I need to look into. For me to live long-term with my weight loss I need to be aware of it. It is kind of imperative for the whole shebang. 

Upper armChestWaistHipsThighCalfNeck
3999108121603541.5

The stats are not so great, but truth to be told not as bad as they use to be. And for this I am happy.
Not only this but I also have had:

  • high blood pressure,
  • blood sugar,
  • cholesterol,
  • plaque,
  • liver fats,
  • problems sleeping,
  • snoring,
  • pain in joints, back, knees,
  • phlegmy lungs,
  • irregular periods.

Moving Forward

This was just to mention some. I do have more and have had more issues than these. Being obese for long periods of life is not healthy, whatever people claim to say. 
This time around, I do not care that much how I look, of course, I care I am not going to pretend otherwise, but I want to really focus on how I feel. I need to transform my thinking from looks to needs. 
I am tired of feeling all the above. I am 35 and should not feel like I am about to die. 
I do not want anymore anxiety induced by food not having the health benefits for my body as I would want. 

Since I have begun losing weight, I have improved my blood pressure, and it is down to normal readings. I  no longer snore so I wake up my daughter, nor do I wake up with phlegm in my lungs, on a regular basis. I am on a really good trajectory! I just need to keep it up and going.
These weight loss changes are more than welcomed.  It is not easy to lose weight and it is very often a shitty road but I do think it is worth it. 
These are things I try to focus on when I cannot see the change. These are stats so much more important than looks. I am on a journey to health and balance. I want to continue this journey, a bit different than I have done until now. I need to look into a holistic view and to be good in all parts and not just a number on the scale.   

Accountability (9) Changes (7) Extreme Weight Loss (7) Finances (3) Financial Freedom (5) Financial Literacy (2) Financial Security (5) Fitness (4) Fitnessgoals (3) Fitness Goals (2) Health (3) Healthy Weight Loss (8) Holistic Life (18) Holistic Mindset (11) Holistic View (4) Holistic Weight loss (14) Journey (6) Life Diet (13) Life Goal (12) Life Journey (19) Life story (7) Life transformation (27) Living Life (4) Making changes (3) Mental Health (3) Mindful Weight loss (8) My Journey (21) My Story (12) My Transformation (13) New Beginnings (5) New life (9) Non Scale Victory (3) Obese (3) Overweight (9) Plans (8) Plans and Goals (4) Private Finances (5) Struggles (3) Transformation (12) Weight Loss (15) Weight loss Goals (9) Weight loss Journey (22) Weight loss Plan (8) Weight loss Strategy (7) Weight loss Struggles (11)