Life Is Suffering; It Does Not Mean We Should Suffer

I think we all have been there. Me for sure. More than once. Repeatedly time. The wallowing in pain and suffer. Feeling like you are about to suffocate from the despair you exhibit.
The pain of unmounted levels and the feeling that nothing is interesting anymore.
It seems like many of us, if not all, have been there or are there. Again, me included.  The idea of living without pain and suffering has been impossible. Almost offensive to me, when presented.
How on earth would anyone be anything else than pain and suffering. Life is not fair, and the sheer thought of that statement, that life is not fair, is painful in itself.

It would aggravate me and offend me. As if all my collective suffering would be greater than anyone else suffering.
It seemed as well as it was this what life was about. Endless pain and no happiness in sight.
Why would everyone work against me and my happiness? If people could just act and be so I could feel happy.
It was in fact everyone else faults the whole debacle of pain and suffering.

Really mean people!

After my most recent meeting with hello darkness my old friend though, I had the good fortune to be around a friend who took me into a new train of thoughts, and on that have I built something new.

Buddhists believe that suffering is part of life, to be expected, and that if a person experiences pain calmly, without becoming emotionally distressed, he can attain greater states of being.

Life Is Suffering; It Does Not Mean We Should Suffer

What is then the difference between these two statements?

Looking at it from a language standpoint we have a thing: Suffering and we have an action: To suffer.

One is an observation we can say and one is the action we are doing.

I can observe that life around me is suffering. It is. I will not take that away from anyone.
My divorce was inherently painful.  Living as a single mom without proper salary and the stress it put on me was also huge suffering.  Me ending up in the hospital at the mental ward as I totally burned out from the suffering.

Life is suffering. It is. It is painful to live and most of the things that we endeavor are painful. It is not fair and a lot of times are we treated unfairly. We do things we do not want and are pushed to people we do not maybe like because we are in a position that we cannot do anything else. 
These are all sufferings. They are hard and painful things that happen.

I can also observe how I act.
There are big events happening in life from which we cannot escape. I was getting a divorce was; I was going to live on air and bread from now on.

I acted it.

I went into it with all the pain that one can imagine.  Before I had my mental breakdown, after moving back to Prague and Europe, I lived in stress and agony and pain. I wallowed in my pittieness and whenever something positive came my way, I immediately dismissed it.
It would not make any difference anyhow, as my suffering was bigger than anyone else. Mine made sense and I had no other option than to live like this. In this. Unless maybe all people around me started to act in the way so I could stop feeling pain or that all bad things happening would stop happening.
Then it all would be OK.


Here is where I truly think I was wrong. And so many like me. We live the suffer instead of being trajected by it.

There is a difference between a thing and an action.  We can observe and then we can choose.

Before Life Transformation
dav

Then What? A Life With Suffering; Without Pain

Pain is a basic instrument for our body signaling that something is wrong. The suffering is there. You feel pain. Now what we have to do is to remove it.
That is the purpose of suffering. To overcome it and to act on it. If we do not act on it, we stay in the state of suffering and we begin to suffer.
We begin to see the world as a black, dark and lonely place. Very often blaming others for their good fortune and how we cannot have the same. As we are suffering.

Believe me, I have done this. Over and over and then again over.

In the last years, after my collapse, I decided to live a life not in suffer. It has really not been easy and I have slipped up many times and wondered if this is really the path to walk.
To see the suffering, acknowledge it, and move on. This is what I am doing. Even more so the last year.
I decided that I was done feeling like the world was about to crumble. I had just had enough.
So small changes at first. I decided to everyday work on myself; to become a little bit stronger and a little bit better version of myself than I was yesterday.
I reconciled with the idea, that I will have struggles and hardships for the rest of my life.

This is what life consists of so why try to escape it.

The funny part is, that once I reconciled with that idea, and that happiness is not the ultimate goal but removal of pain is; a lot of pain disappeared.
So after deciding that every day I should be a bit better, I had to look at the things that brought me too much pain and clinically look at it and remove it.

I just had to do, whatever I needed to do, to be able to observe something and see it for what it was and make changes.
because that is what suffering is telling you to do. Change. Evolve. Move forward.
It has been everything. Jobs. Friends. Hobbies. Dreams. 
it is hard as f**k to start with, as everything is at the beginning. Everything has a learning curve. Am I doing the right thing? What if I make a mistake in what I think is right?

Well, if one action or situation or person or whatever gives you the same feeling over and over or we do the stupidest things that we feel ashamed of. Anxiety about. Stress from.
There sherlock, that is your cue. You are in pain and you need to honor that sign and do something about it.
And the amazing part is, that if we for some reason see that what I thought was the right thing to do in the end was not. We can always do something about that too. I am not saying it will be easy, not at first. Just as nothing is easy at first. Remember when I was going to go for my first run and I failed after about 10 meters.
This is just the same.
I run 10 kilometers today. You can as well if you are willing to change and do the work.


My Net Worth Status- Half-year Mark 2021

As you all probably have understood, this has turned into so much more than just weight loss and its journey. I am tackling life and all of its aspects to find the root problem of my weight and fix it.
I have been able to identify few things that make me overeat and one of these things is:

My finances and money!
It gives me great deal of anxiety.

No let me take that back.
It used to give me a great deal of anxiety. The stress that I felt often ended in me eating.
At least that was something I could control. It felt like I had no control over my life and finances and that it forever would be in disarray.
Of course did I have control, it was only an awful negative feeling, that was cemented inside me.
I would forever be poor and I would never be able to get out of the rat race, never be able to go on holiday, never be able to retire, never be able to do anything.
Things did change though, and I read books and watched videos about money and how to manage it.
Today I am no longer feeling this black pit in my stomach, due to my finances. I have really shaped it up quite incredibly.

I sometimes visit the same old thinking patterns and stress out and get anxiety, due to absolute doomsday thoughts.
Losing jobs and ending up homeless and needing to live off the grace of stately support.

I have less and less of them though, and it is both a relive and strange feeling.
My plan all along though is to grow what I have.

Where Am I Today?

As I have written before, I did manage to get my emergency fund in order. This means that I have 6 months of living expenses saved up.
Thanks to this one, I was not stressing myself to death over the forgotten phone while in Spain and I know I can go on holiday in peace using some of it.

At first I this was my only goal.
This was the end goal. Knowing that I would have this fund and that would be it.
During my period of saving it up, this has changed. As with everything else on this journey 😀
I have a deep feeling that I want more and I need more in many sorts of ways.
So as of today, I do have my emergency fund and my sinking funds.

I have officially reached and crossed the 100 000 line.

goal lettering text on black background
Photo by Anna Tarazevich on Pexels.com



– No this is not dollar nor Euro but Czech crowns, so maybe not as much as some but for me. Hell yeah!

I am so incredibly happy and proud of it. This has really helped me a lot in reducing the level of my anxiety.
It is quite interesting though, as when I started this transformation this amount seemed so high and totally a fortune, now it seems like just a small dent of a fortune.
Especially as I made a decision though to add more money into my fund, I am opting for 12 months.

You Cannot Save Up Wealth- This Is What I Do Now

I live pretty frugally.
I live below my means and I do save a lot today.
I look at things and wonder if I really need to get or buy an item or if I can do without. Pretty often it means that I do not buy it, as I realize I can be without.
I do not let the lifestyle inflation eat up my pretty good paycheck.
I can save quite a lot of money, and I really enjoy doing it. I do not think it will likely change anytime soon.

What I do not think though is that one can save up wealth.

I do not want to cut back on everything and save 70% of my paycheck. That is not what I am looking for.
My latte for 2 euro a cup, will not bring me wealth if I cut it down.
Do not get me wrong, cutting back and making sure I did not use more than I got helped me a lot. For sure.
But where the real work began, was a good paycheck that made it possible for me to save up bigger amounts.
But the good paycheck just takes me one step.

The same as the latte cut back will not make you rich, saving from your good paycheck will not make you either.
Obviously some exceptions here, but I am talking about us regulars with normal wages.

I believe in investing.

photo of person holding smartphone
Photo by Anna Nekrashevich on Pexels.com

I think that to build a bigger net worth I have to invest. Of course, now comes the crux; what the hell to invest in.
By the end of 2021 I want to have reached and crossed the 250K line. I got 6 months more to go and quite a bit to go.


What is your best tip and what to do to make this happen?

Non-Scale Victory #2- I Am That Person Now!

I have quite often in my life been jealous of people who are sporty. I have secretly wanted to be just like them, but not been able to put my shit away and do something about it.
I would hide the jealousy with either mocking them to myself or just blatantly trying to make them, if a person I would know, just as lazy and incapacitated to life as I was.
Claiming that their life was just boring, and consisted in nothing fun and that I felt sorry for them not wanting a fun life.
Secretly just wanting to be, healthier, in better shape, mentally stronger, and slimmer.
I would also try to make everyone around me feel and say the same thing. How I would try to justify my own mediocrity by pulling them down.
I have to say it is a really ugly trait.
One thing I could never understand; openly made fun of, secretly really liked, and always envisioned myself doing, was the vacation exercisers.
Why would someone want to go for a run while on holiday, when you could drink wine for breakfast, lunch, and dinner- and truth to be told quite late into the night too.
I had no one to be accountable for. I did not want to be accountable for anything
Stuff yourself with food- I mean I was on holiday god damn it. I deserved it.
Or I had an afternoon off, or it was Friday. or my birthday or something else.

Now, something is happening, and I am really morphing into this person, that I have wanted to be for a long time, but in which I have felt constraints of being able to be.

  • Not strong enough to be myself.
  • Not really knowing what is me.
  • Scared of what would come if I went and did what I dreamed of being. At least I knew what I was now, change is really scary.

Still not knowing, but I am quite excited and interested where this journey is taking me.
I am being accountable of myself and my action

As Long As I Fit My Jogging Outfit in the Luggage I Am Good.

This is what I actually said when I packed for my vacation in Spain. I got myself new running shoes two weeks before the trip; I really made sure that they were broken in as I did not want to bring two pairs. My old worn out and new that would not be properly broken in.
I was counting how many jogging t-shirts I may need and if 2 pairs of pants would be enough for 7 days of traveling.
Jogging pants that is.
Jogging Pants people jogging pants.
One year ago I could not even fit in my jogging pants I had, let alone be thinking of bringing them for my 10K run I planned.
I got maps ready and caches that I planned to pick during the stay in Spain.

This Must Count As My Biggest NSV so Far.

When I woke up the first morning in Vigo, I checked my plans of where to go.
I made sure that there was music ready and I went out for my run!
Ok it was not really like that, I had to spend few hours working, I had a proofreading to finish. Then I went for a walk in the town.
But then!
I did that thing that I had seen other people doing and secretly wanted.
I was now the person out running on my vacation!

I know this might seem like a trivial thing to be excited about, but I have for few years really intended to live a different kind of life.
To be the one, bringing my jogging shoes, looking up the caches, and go running to find them has been one goal I have had in mind.
I desperately wanted to be that person.
Why?
Truth to be told, I had felt stagnant and mediocre for quite some time. Feeling that my potentials were much higher than what I performed.
I do not mean that only people that go running on their vacations are something, or that everyone else is mediocre.
No.
I just mean that I was stuck in a place and routine. I did the things I did, and I knew that for me they were no longer serving me. I wanted a change. I wanted to see that my life took me places.
Emotionally.
Physically.
And I had felt that the ways that I had been doing were not leading me anywhere new. It just brought me back to the same old and that same old would not meet me emotionally any longer.
This is a gain, a victory for me, as I can feel I am on a new path and life excites me again. I am curious about what I may find.

I am being accountable of myself. Coaching myself to go out and do it!

No road is right or wrong. You have to pick one that suits you for the moment. And when it does not feel right anymore, change again to join a new road.
This is where I am at.
On a new road, jogging along. I feel utterly and incredibly satisfied that I am on just this one.

No matter how long it will take to lose the weight I have, I have already hit my goal.
I am that person who wants to put the effort in. The one who does not mind bringing shoes for her holiday as it is no effort. It is just part of me.







Beat Procrastination- Beat Weight Gain

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Maybe not beat but at least work towards some decreasing of it. I really believe hinder the instant gratification monkey and work towards productivity is to be truly successful on a long-term basis with my weight loss. It has to be sustained forever and to do that, I need to heal from whatever shit is going on and to heal is to work on things. It just has to be done!

What Is My Plan to Beat Procrastination?

I have written about my plan to beat procrastination here.

It is not so much of a very deep plan, as it only consists of 1 thing. Lists. That is the idea I have for the moment. I could have added few more steps and gone all-in killing this beast inside me, making me really unproductive.
I think of doing that would have been a failure as so much in my life, as I would not have been able to keep it going.
Too big of a change, and we get scared and do not do it. Too little and we get bored and do not do it either. It has to be the right balance.
My balance was 1 thing. One could not do less than I did but for me that was the right amount. That is how bad I was in actually getting things done.

How and When Did I Make My Lists?

Every evening, apart from very few nights am I sitting down at my desk and evaluating what I want. I do this on many different levels. What do I need done?

  • Short-term, such as everyday mundances but that is better for me to plan out so they get done.
  • Urgent things that have come up over the course of the day, or that I know will approach soon. Such as filling my taxes or getting my papers in order.
  • One-time work that needs to be done for the better good of life but that has been kept off such like fixing that squeaking door or calling the dentist for a checkup.
  • Long-term work needs to be broken down into smaller steps, so they get manageable and now done. Working on my children’s book or taking up that class so I can improve things at work.

I am trying to get all these points down and worked on the next day to make sure that it is a process for the long run into this equation and not the daily work points written down.

 Evaluation of  the Productivity

It is a strange and odd feeling I have. A feeling I have not really experienced many times in life. It is a warm fluffy feeling in stark contrast to the stressed, angst, and worried feelings I used to have.
What am I talking about?
The feeling of getting things done. Of really getting things done. Seeing that things get done, consistently and timely on a monthly, weekly, daily, hourly basis. Consistently and routinely.
Not having the feeling of un-accomplishment, stressed over lost time, always chasing the feeling of getting ahead. Angst over things not happening and ultimately lies over not done things. Lies to myself and others, why things are not done. What do I do with these feelings normally? I eat them up. I lazy them down.
I have had those feelings as long as I know. Being a mediocre failure that does not do what she should. All this due to procrastination and instant gratification monkey.
These are gone.
Gone.
Working with lists has truly transformed my life. I know it sounds like a cliche but I cannot credit anything else. It is an amazing feeling crossing over that item that I have done. Productivity level is up tenfolds. It is an amazing feeling to know that I have filled those taxes 2 months before deadline and I do not need to get stressed. I know that my story is being worked on and closer for that old dream of mine to be realized.
The squeaky door does not squeak anymore and my plants are thriving from the constant care they get. The stress has decreased as I know I am doing all that I should. No more lies to myself about what I did not do and why.
The only thing I wonder is why I did not do this sooner!

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Moving Forward- What to Do Now

I will forever do my lists now. I have tried few times not doing them, and I fall back into my old patterns. Not as bad as before but I accomplish way less if I do not write down what to do. The decreased stress levels are so important for my life that it is a no-brainer to continue with this.
So this is a given keeper. What I have also heard and read in many places is journaling and that how it can help with structuring up ideas and what to do and even though it might sound like a childish thing to keep a diary I have started this too.
I will see if keeping a journal can keep me even more structured and actually do the things I am set out to do. Maybe do some more things. Structure up how I do things. An evaluation of the day and why some things were not done.
It is small implementations but for me this has truly changed me and my life in the way I am productive and where to I have moved in 3 months.
What are you doing to beat the instant gratification monkey?

From Snail to Speed of Light- My Running Guide

We all need to take that saying with a grain of salt, I do hope you all understand. I have improved, and in my eyes really impressively, my running form, stamina and speed. It is pretty awesome what the human body and mind can manage!
But let us take if from the beginning.

The Beginning 

Last year I started to see a personal trainer to kick me out of my house and start doing something. This was a huge incentive for me to start doing something about my health. For me health is mental and physical. Physical as in what the body can manage and mental in how you deal with shit.

I started in May and came June I felt it was time to add something more. Some cardio on my days without my trainer.

I envisioned myself how I started running and gracefully took long and amazing looking strides. How I would bounce on my feet and every obstacle would be nothing as I jumped and bounced around them.
I laced my shoes and off I went!
It was amazing, I was running! I took strode after strode. I would run 5K at least. Maybe I should even aim for 10!
About one minute into the run I collapsed. Lungs ached, I could not find my breath. Ankles begged me to stop already. Everything that had bounced around was not me gracefully but my fat rolls up and down, up and down hurting everytime I hit the ground.
My 10 KM plan was officially a failure. I made some walk-jog for about 2 and then it was it. 

A Plan is Building Up

I could have given up there and then as so many times before. Something is different now though. I do not know what, something just is. I did not give up. Not at all. Quite the opposite.
For the first time in my life, I put a plan in action. 

  1. I consumed every little running video on Youtube. With Global Triathlon Network being my absolute favorite. They have both beginner and advanced as their target. 
  2. Reading about running and how it is beneficial and helpful for us. How we should run and what is the correct running technique. 
  3. Made up a running plan and decided to rigorously stick to it, no matter what or how I felt. 
  4. Practice not just running but really focusing on running form. Aim to work on muscle groups which would be beneficial to train, aiming to help my run. 
One of the first times


How Did This Manifest? 

I decided not to jog with music at all. There were these two ideas behind it. 
One: if not finding my headset to be able to listen to music would be a reason not to go, I did not want that reason.
Second: I wanted to not get lost in music but really focus on my form and breathing. 

I also decided to run in blocks of 3 weeks. And stick to that block of time, no matter what. If I felt like doing more I told myself not to do it. I was still at 110+ kilos and running with this amount is not recommended. The strain on your joint and the added weight on ankles each time you step down your foot is not something to disregard.

My Plan I Followed

First 3 weeks were mainly about getting out. I jogged 2 minutes and then I walked for another 3. Jogged 2 and walked 3. I remember being dead most of the time. Not liking it and how my lungs and joints killed me.

Then I added one minute to the run and subtracted from the walk, so 3 minutes walk turned into 2 minutes and 2 minutes jog turned into 3 minutes. This I did for 3 weeks. I would take each jog and practice belly breathing. Trying to get as much air into my lower lungs.
My calves did really eat me up. I would cramp up really heavily. I did not understand from what, and did think I was running out of electrolytes. Now I just think it was just extremely heavy for my body, even these small jogs.

The next following 3 weeks, I added and subtracted again. 4 minutes jog and just 1 walking.
Once a week I would also do intervals. 1 minutes really fast, 1 minutes slow, 1 fast, 1 slow and then walk 1 minutes and repeat for 20 minutes and then 5 minutes slow jog and that was it. 30 minutes all in all.

And then it was 5 minutes of jog, this was my plan but actually I felt so powerful that when I decided for the 5 minutes I just continued to run though I remember. I was so full of the potential that I did not see the reason why not to just continue. I did 10 minutes in one go. For me it was like a 10K race. I was extremely proud. And rightfully so.
I took 5 minutes and focused on one specific form. Legs, or arms, torso, or head. This would make the 10 minutes easier.
Over time that has also really helped me improve my form. Which today is pretty OK actually.

My First Jog In One Go

Before this day, I had just been jogging and stopping and jogging and stopping. But the time I ran my first 2 kilometer in one go was amazing!
I do not have any record of it, but I was so extremely proud. I remember my bargain of one more tree, one more sign, one more 5 minutes. Soon had I finished my first 3 kilometer jog. No stopping. 

Where Am I Now?

My goal now is to run 5K 30 Minutes flat or less. 10K 1 hour flat or less.
How I will get there is a post all by itself because this post is starting to look like a short novel.
I will finish by saying that I went out today for a run, and I did 4,3K in 30 minutes. I am soon reaching my goal. My plan, my idea, my execution.
I have come a long way from that first jog in June. From feeling that jogging was a punishment, and that all my body hurt from it, I enjoy it today. I am looking forward for the runs and if I do not do them for a while, I get grumpy and angry.
It is a really integrated part of my life today.
It took some time, and I still have a long way. Hips hurt after running due to the extra weight. But persistence wins the race!

How to Holistic Weight loss- My Version

I read something really sad today. Something I think about quite frequently and it is something I have on my mind on a regular basis.
According to the article on CBC
“Only about five percent of people who try to lose weight ultimately succeed, according to the research. “
There is other research out there saying that losing more than 20 percent of your body weight once, has a success rate of 5% going for a second time the rate is down to 1%
This is not my first nor second time. But It will be my last time. That is why I am doing it differently this time.

Holistic Weight loss

“PHILOSOPHY

characterized by the belief that the parts of something are intimately interconnected and explicable only by reference to the whole.

MEDICINE
characterized by the treatment of the whole person, taking into account mental and social factors, rather than just the symptoms of a disease.”

And this is exactly what I do differently this time around with my weight loss journey. I have a holistic approach.
I cannot treat my weight loss as a free-standing problem in my life that does not affect or get affected by the other parts of my life. It is all connected.
I have problems with mental health and my mental health issues as many underlying reasons.
I have had financial instability and uncertainty and these issues give me stress and my coping mechanism is always eating. I cannot cure one thing without looking at the other.
I have lived an empty life, without meaning or path, guiding or reason. There has been no plan to work against, and nothing to work towards. I have just had the next meal in mind.
This is what I have done in the past. I have looked at weight as just the single issue of weight. Never ever have I wanted to deal with the issue at hand. All the other parts connected.

What  I Do For a Holistic Weight loss

I have made a plan to discover life. I know I am 35 but better late than never. I need to want to do something more than watch movies and snack. Or go for dinner and have food and drinks. Or meet friends and drink and have snacks.

  1. I am dedicating a minimum of 30 min a week to self-exploration.
    These are things that I do not know if I like, but I have to give it a go. I need to try things out. I have put some time into drawings. I will maybe not become a new master painter but I have to say has given me quite some joy. Ok, quite some frustration as well. I just don’t get how to do it.
    This targets the boredom of life which I often feel and staves off that feeling which just wants me to eat instead.
  2. Studying languages for a minimum of 30 min 3 times a week.
    I live in Czech Republic but I do not speak Czech fluently nor even close to it. This stresses me out, tremendously. What do I do when I am stressed? Yes you are right. I tend to sit on my ass, watch a movie and snack.
    This targets the discomfort I have with language which ultimately will give me peace of mind and less angst about it. 
  3. I work on my finances and the financial independence I am working towards. I have created budgets, sinking funds, plans, and investments to create stability and  foundation for me and my daughter. I do not need to go to bed nervous if I can pay my next rent or not.
    This is quite explanatory it targets the stability in life. 
  4. I am reading books again, both fictional and non-fictional. Traditional self-help books, investing books, novels, anything right now in written form. I want to read what others do or feel. Improving my own situation by learning from others and reading is an amazing resource for that. Reading how others have done things, inspires me to become or do even better, and keeps me motivated to not cave into the mouth pleasures of food.
    It targets the spiritual instability with little connection to meaningfulness I have. 
  1. I move and getting truly excited and interested about it. I know that moving is not the biggest need for weight loss. It has shown that for sustained weight loss exercising is an important tool. Being genuinely interested in it, and actually looking forward to moving and how to improve and what to do really help the entire process. Keeping active helps me with my food intake as well, and my general healthiness.

Will This Work?

I do not know. I cannot tell. I for sure hope so. I can just say that I have a quite different feel about this time around. I feel different. I am different. It is this notion of clarity and understanding. The things I do might change, but I will not stop doing them. Even if it will not work for losing weight, which it will, it is a really workable tool for my life. Getting ahead and having the life I want. Doing and experiencing life to the fullest. As it looks like now, this will be the thing that keeps me in the 1%.

Healing From Psychological Hunger

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I have been hungry as long as I can remember. I would eat, and almost immediately be hungry again. I would never think that the food on my plate was enough. Going for dinners was planned out so I went to the place not with best food but with biggest plate.
I constantly thought about what my next meal would be and look like.
I would be full, but feel hunger at the same time. Always wanted to eat something. Never feeling saturated.

It has for sure been one of my biggest struggles whenever I have wanted to lose weight. I have not been able to keep myself from not eating. The struggle has been too hard. I would go down to not eat almost anything and then one day have some of the forbidden food and I could not stop myself. I would just eat. Not overfilling myself on one occasion so I have no issues with binge eating. I would just start eating again and as my psychological hunger would be so great, once the forbidden foods were back in my diet, I would just eat them and eat them at whatever occasion. Never restricting a thing any longer.

I did not know that I wanted to fix this, as I did think of it as normal. I was a thought that slowly has been creeping up.
I knew that something needed to change this time around. I want this transformation to be long-lasting and not for a short fix.

What Psychological Hunger Is For Me

Physiological hunger is pretty straight forward. You do not eat for an extended period of time and your brain gets messages from the stomach in form of ghrelin that it needs new fuel.

So what does it really mean- psychological hunger- for me?

It meant for me, that I was constantly hungry or thought about food. Constantly
I would wake up and think about how much I wanted to eat for breakfast. Already before finishing breakfast, I would think about a snack I could have before lunch and lunch could not come fast enough.
The hours between each meal was long dragging time which could not go slower.
It meant thinking, and breathing food and hunger. What I would cook, and how I would enjoy eating it once it was cooked. I would never feel saturated and I could always have just a tad more. Just a tad more again please. And just a tad again.
I would need cup after cup of coffee in-between each meal to be able to manage until the next one.
It must have been impossible that these feeling were sent from the stomach with the transmitter ghrelin. As I was was full.
This is what I refer to as psychological hunger. Something which was not sitting right with my mind and kept me feeling a mental hunger.

What Transformed Me and My Eating Habits?

I started intermittent fasting around September of 2020. I would eat between 10 AM to 6 PM. I would need to sip cup after cup of coffee and tea in the morning and after 6 PM just to be able to continue on. Hunger would be ravenous and I still dreamed about food.
At one point it was even worse than before as now I was restricting the time, and I would stress eat, just because I knew that soon my eating window would close.
Slowly but surly something was happening though, not over night. Not in a week and not in a month.
I started to feel that the 10 AM bit of food was not making sense any-longer. Between 10 and 12 which is my lunch time I would be able to manage. I would not need to eat during these 2 hours.
Staving hunger away with a coffee would be enough. Soon not even that. The hunger was just not needed to be staved away as it was not even there.
So my new eating window would be from Noon to 7PM. And by time the most interesting thing happened. I was not counting the hours until I could have a meal.
Not needed to cook anymore really helped as well. Not needing to be around the aromas and tasting of the food.
The interesting thing is that I have had no restrictions. More than my eating window yes, but the amount or the type of food has been really giving. There has been no forbidden food nor ingredients which I would not eat.


Healing From Psychological Hunger and Coming to Terms With Food

I have been so sad the last month. I have felt like a failure and not knowing how to really move on. I have been working out, and in that department it has been great. I have become stronger, been able to run farther.
My weight stood still though. Not a gram in any direction. I was ready to throw in the towel and announce myself defeated.

Then it hit me.
I am no longer hungry. I no longer obsess about food nor think about it. I do not think what I want to cook and I do not plan what I will snack.

Of course I am hungry, but I do not feel the hunger as a never ending emotion. I wake up in the morning, not feeling like an endless pit or that I have to drink my coffee to be able to survive few hours before lunch.
I do not feel like all I want is night to come, so I no longer need this punishment of not eating food.
I feel fine. I eat. I feel full. I do not think about food, as I feel full.

It is a odd sensation honestly, as this obsession has been with me forever. If I did not eat, I thought about it. Planned it or cooked it.

For me I can clearly see few things that has truly helped me

  • Not cooking myself any-longer.
  • Intermittent fasting.
  • No restrictions in regards of food types
  • Practicing accountability as a part of my life, as it has reduced stress
  • Dealing with my emotions about everything- as it has reduced stress
  • Getting financial stabile- as it has reduced stress and I am in control of my life.

Moving Forward With Weight-loss

Realizing this. the other day left me feeling so much better. I have healed from a terrible condition and we cannot do all in one go. This process might be longer, but I think it is the right one and this only confirms it for me.
I feel I finally have a normal relation to food. I do not need to overeat, I have found that what I eat and how much I move can clearly keep me maintaining. I have somewhat found home.
And I have done it, without feeling like I deprive myself from anything. Amounts has just been naturally and I have stopped when I felt good.

I do want to still lose weight though. I know I have too much body for my frame. I can feel it in my hips and knees and lower back, that they are not happy.
My joint in my toes hurt and I do not think that having these extra 20 kilos is a plus in this equation.
So I will continue on this path, making some tweaks though. I will remove the afternoon cake and the extra 2 bread slices a day.
Being mindful of not eating it everyday, but just sometimes. Not removing completely but decreasing the frequency of it.
Pizza and pasta sometimes, and maybe not all of it every week.
I feel so much in peace with this now, as I know it is nothing painful I need to do. I have already found peace with my food.
Being more mindful about the nutritional value I put into myself does not feel like a chore right now, if feels like a treat.

Quarter Review of My Weight loss and Life Transformation

3 Moths has come and gone already. 2021 is shooting forward, and time could not be flying slower and faster at the same time.
So many things I want to do and there is no time for it, yet as there is nothing open the time runs extremely slow.
An oxymoron I know.
As you can see, that looking at my weight and body I have not changed for the positive. But it is OK,
I love to look in the rearview mirror and evaluate my life.
If we do not look back at what has been, reflect and ponder upon what was, we cannot move forward.
Or as you would refer to it in Agile and Scrum, to hold a retrospective.
What to ask oneself in a retrospective is:

  • What went well in the Sprint?
  • What went wrong in the Sprint?
  • What We had Learn in the Sprint?
  • What should we do differently in the next sprint?

Why on earth am I speaking about Agile and Sprints, well funny fact I am a certified Scrum Master, hence the reference.
I do think that they are really good questions and if we want to succeed in life we have to ask these things.
My Sprint refers to the 3 first months in 2021.

What Went Well In My Weight Loss and Life Transformation?

Due to the lockdown we went into in October, being harder than what we experienced April through July, I had to quite my PT.
I was really scared going into new year, with keeping my consistency in working out. I know working out is not that much related to weight loss, but I want to transform life and keep a healthier life.
What I am really proud about is that I have kept the consistency and I went running 3 times a week on average and 2 times of homework outs.

I started journaling and list making and it has been imperative for me. It has structured down and visualized the issues I am dealing with. Seeing it on paper has been great for me.
In conjunction to this I have made a list to do of the day, and it really has kept me pushing myself forward. So many things were finally taken care of and I have felt that I was not stagnated in one spot.

Writing down my feelings and reactions to things, really have made me realized what I want and directing my life towards that life. Not just saying it, but actually working towards it. Being more intentional with my feelings and writing them down, has helped me healing in my eating disorder.

The plan in finding a hobby has been quite successful and I have been drawing, practicing my handwriting, and working on my math skills has all been so awarding. These are all things I want to put more time into.
It feels like my life took a big leap these three months.

What Went Wrong in My Weight loss and Life Transformation?

Nothing everything went perfect.
Has no one honest ever said.

My eating habits went a bit off these three months. I did give myself a bit more free room than I actually needed.
It has been great, tp start healing from my unhealthy eating habits but in doing so I gave myself a little bit too much wiggle room for eating things which is not beneficial for me.
It is good to let yourself rest a bit, but I should still keep my eyes on the ball and not feel like I have crossed the finished line. I still have 15 kilos which is considered over weight. I understand that scale is not all. But You can see in the photos that I am in no mean average weight still.

I could for sure have added more daily activity into my life. There has been cold and dark and March is hell month for me.
Come on winter, go away already! The panic I feel every single year.
Will winter ever end? Will spring and warmer weather come? Maybe this is the year when eternal winter will prevail.
This breaks me down and keeps me paralyzed. Keeping myself active is really helpful for me, dealing with this. And I have not done that. I have not done all the walk I should have done, just to keep myself not just sitting. As sitting makes me feel this hell, which March is.

Consistency in general has been a weak point, except me working out. It has been hard trying to keep the schedule I wanted to do. It seemed I forgot I have a kid that wants to see me, and me who want to see her too.
I think that I did a lot of work, feeling exhausted afterwards, feeling I needed to get out from home, being alone was all I could deal with. So that was really not positive at all.

What Have I Learned in My Weight Loss and Life Transformation?

I have learned, OK not learned but I have realized what are my goals. What do I really want out of life.
This is amazing! Journaling and working with myself and learning how to deal with feelings has cleared my head and I am realizing what I want.
I am seeing what is standing in my way, and I am learning not to be apologetic for it.
I have not always put myself nor my small family first, and this is absolutely shit. I have let people pressure me into doing things, which has not been beneficial for me nor my kid. I have done this, as I am so scared of being left alone and done anything just for people to like me.
I started this change already last year, but these last 3 months has been really great for this.
I will no longer be pushed into something I do not think is beneficial for me or my daughter. I have several goals and only to stay on track will they come true, and if someone can not deal with my change, I cannot do anything about it.
I am finding my voice again and it is amazing.

I am so capable of doing so much.
I have survived moves from country to country. Continent to continent. Divorce, poverty, lonelytude, depression, alienation, singlehood, parenthood, obesity, mental illness, death.
My adversity is my strength. If I can manage to drag myself up from all, anyone can. And I want to right there helping doing just that.
I have gone though this fairly alone but I have had some amazing support as well of course. I want to be that sort of support.

Searching for hobbies and interest has opened the door to a world that I feel has been lost for such a long time. I am interested in so many things again. I am so much more than what I have let myself be, for long time.


What Should I Do Differently These Following 3 Months in My Weight loss and Transformation?

To keep my good habits, which I felt were sliding a bit. I know they are really positive for me.
I have gotten a trainer, so I can work on some fitness goals I have had in mind and I need help hitting.
I need to do positive affirmations to keep myself on track for a transformed life.
I want to voice my voice more. If I do not feel something is positive for me, I need to do something about it.
Pragmatism. That is my lead word. I know it can be tough on friends and family, but I have just one life.
I want it to be awesome the rest I have.
It will happen with progression, not perfection.

Photo by Gabby K on Pexels.com

Weight Loss Journey- Transform My Life

Here I am again. This is not my first rodeo. Neither with blogging nor weight losing. I do not know how many times I have been on a weight-loss journey, for sure more than one. This shall be the last though. I have also been on and of the blogging journey capturing different parts of life. Never done it together. I need an accountability coach, I cannot afford one so I have to become my own. This blog will be just that.

Transformation of My Weight loss Journey

I am Maria AKA Manka. I desperately need to transform my life. I have started 6 months ago, but I find it really hard to keep it going. It started in May with a normal idea of losing weight and not caring too much more about this journey. During these 6 months, have I the feeling that I am morphing into something new though. This is not the first attempt, but I truly want and need it to be the last. I need to change my life for the better. I need something new.  The strangest thing is that I do not feel I need to force this transformation but the change has happened slowly and organically during the course of the months. The interesting part is that I do not have the notion that this is only about weight but a whole new life that is emerging. It is quite exciting and also bit uncomfortable.

Goals for Weight loss Transformation

There are many things I need to change with myself and my goals are many. I desperately need to lose weight. I also need to change my life in regards to my finances. They stress me out which results in weight gain. I need to drastically change my life as my body is falling apart. My vitals are no good, with high everything you can have high. I have reduced blood pressure quite a lot, and I do give that to my weight loss. Shedding kilos has helped shedding pressure. I need a holistic and mindful weight loss. I need to incorporate all aspects and parts of my life. Not only tackle my amounting number of kilos as a separate part of this transformation. All aspects of life, which stress me, or bores me which results in weight gain need to be addressed. I will win this weight loss transformation! I need to get down to an overweight number, as I am technically obese at the moment with a BMI of 38. Starting weight from the very start was 116 Kilos. First Goal 90 kilos Eng Goal 70-80 Kilos

How Will I Do This Weight loss Plan?

I do not really know. I am no expert in this. I just know I need the change. Take control of my life and win this thing. Join me in the quest for happiness, stability, financial independence and everything else that is needed for a holistic and mindful weight loss, where all parts of the puzzle need to be in order for a sustainable change.